i am a little nervous

Today is a scary day.

For today is the day I start my group therapy.

I'm not sure if this is bad form - akin to uttering the word Macbeth to a thespian - but if you could wish me luck that would be very much appreciated.

I must say I am "with trepidation" and a smidgen of cynicism. I am slightly worried that tomorrow I shall be entering a room full of crying women. I already know that is not the case (entirely). There is to be some meditation and as much or as little talk as I want. Indeed I had to be vetted to see if I were an appropriate candidate. That was rather intimidating experience.

Obviously I shan't be able to talk about specifics here. Confidentiality is key. A safe place. This is something I am very much looking forward. Apart from here, I have spoken very little about myself and my issues so I am hoping this will be a rather cathartic experience.

P.S. Sorry for all the anna talk of late. (I would like to talk about weddings more, and even my own but there is still a little too much regret at my own). I'm getting there.

p.m.a. - I wear some hats rather well. I particularly love this one. I very much suit a veil. 

My eyes look huge! (They are not!) This is one of the best pictures of me ever. (Note to self - always attempt to have pose like this!)

P.S. Bean is not already drunk we are still at church!

yay for ny

I've had a lovely busy weekend celebrating with my lovelies at the wedding of a even lovelier. I really want to tell you about it because something really magical happened. However, not today.

Today is to celebrate the love in New York. Huzzah for the new marriages allowed (I don't like to call them gay marriages because why is their any need for the distinction?) Love and thus marriage is not a choice, it is a right. At last NY, at last.

Have you seen the pictures?

Warm my cockles. You* can tell me that marriage is just a piece of paper but can you not see from their smiles, their hugs and their love that it is so very, very not. It is so much more.

I hate to be the conservative lady (although I do tend to be when talking to single friends to not emphasise the joy that is love) but marriage is simply wonderful. There is not a feeling like it.

So to those men and women who were able to get married on Saturday, yay! I'm so bloody happy for you.

Look, look at the love!

via

The chaps have been together for 51 years. If that does not make you a little teary - I'm not sure what will.

Congratulations and Huzzah!

*I'm not entirely sure who be you, perhaps the rather pathetic pseudo intellectuals I recently met.

my husband is wonderful

My husband is wonderful because his power animal is this!

via source

also my husband is wonderful because he (and his friends) find things like this....

The Random Superhero Generator.

Click on the link, plug in your vital statistics (or perhaps those of your mortal enemy) and voila - you can be a superhero or at least find out your nemesis's weakness.

I bloody love my big ball of a a geek husband!

Three cheers for Bean!

I kid you not but this was my first attempt. Almost perfect, no?

"anna is known for her amazing intelligence. She has the power to become tiny, but doing so drains her sense of smell for one week. anna can copy defenses of her opponents and she is protected from damage by titanium armor. Additionally, she conquers assailants wielding a venomous arrangement of magic spells made from glass, however using this power draws a lot of attention. anna possesses the power to communicate with rabbits with gestures, but using this power makes her almost weightless for two days. Shamefully, anna is deathly afraid of men."

This made my night, I can tell you!

Now go play and share but please please come back and post your favourite! They are just too funny! For the geek in all of us.

shoes again?

Yeah I'm sure you think I talk about shoes a little too much on here.

Well, actually I'm sure I don't. So Huzzah.

Just saw these on asos (and yes I should buy shares or whatever because I pimp them out so much).

Hello fun times.

thank you asos

Admittedly I'm not crazy about the contrasting sole colour. I always find it a little jarring but I still think they are good. Very good!

Seriously how cute would these look with a wedding dress?!

You know I love a pop of pink on a bride!

Seriously tempted to buy and rock them on a little shoot? Anyone fancy being my photographer. I already have a rather awesome wedding dress!

pma I have a wonderful husband who is very awesome and loves me very very much. Check out how much at 3pm!

can i tell you about my weekend.

This past weekend was just one of the more embarrassing of my adult life. I think I need to share because oh the shame, the shame!

The omens were all there. I felt a little iffy (for want of a better word) and the heavens oh my, the heavens were crying. The rain was almost apocalyptic. Yet, this was not what I feared. I was to attend a hen party of someone whom was more of an acquaintance* rather than a good friend. Indeed I knew nothing of the acquaintances of said acquaintance. Oh the fear. Should I try to be funny anna or clever anna? Or should I be quiet anna. God knows I do tend to talk a little too much in new social situations. Nonetheless, the money had been paid and Bean would not let me back out now.

So I arrived with sheets of rain pounding down upon the shiny streets of Clapham in nervous trepidation. Unsurprisingly, whilst there were many close friends in her home I was very much welcomed into the fold. Luckily, astute anna (not really) noticed there were other nervous introverts in the room and latched on like a limpet! Why thank you other shy ladies.

So after a few sips of champagne we trundled along to Holborn to a rather inconspicuous community centre with a rather confused hen. Being central London most things on the pinboard in the entrance hall were related to the reduction in knife crime and it was rather enjoyable to try and convince her we were about to have a knife crime aerobics lecture by Mr Motivator. (The hen had googled hen and holborn when she was told where we were going and apparently Mr Motivator offers thrilling classes for hen parties?!).

Anyhoo, obviously we were off to make something. Jewellery.

Jewellers of London, nay the world. Fear not. These parties really should not leave you quaking in your boots. Just look at the atrocities I made against jewellery. There is no Geneva Convention for these poor sad beads. Perhaps the beads began to identify with their captors? Knowing that the only way to leave this certain circle of hell was to demand to be made into a hideous bracelet? The ugly little beads and their sad friends fell bravely out of their little containers asking to be saved. Is this the only non human case of Stockholm Syndrome? I tried. I really tried. I rescued as many of the sad beads as I could. Oh the poor beads. I left so many behind. Oh so many. (Get the feeling I'm not so much into the rubbish beaded jewellery?) Although I will admit it was actually rather fun. I did rather enjoy playing with the pliers! However, a crazy amount of concentration is required. 

Such a talent I am!

Oh but the sweet hell was to continue. I may have had another couple of sips of champagne. I promise not more than 2 tiny tiny glasses. And there I was in flat with 9 other woman, with one bathroom and 9 other women wanting to primp and preen, a flat with one bathroom. I think you can see where this is going. Oh the shame. I had to push people out of the bathroom and barely made it to the sink. Oh the shame. Yet the worst is yet to come.

I sheepishly exited the bathroom and rang Bean asking for him to be my white knight. Luckily, he is a great white knight and swept me off my feet and into the car. Unfortunately at the very same moment we drove off the ladies were leaving to go onto dinner and then karaoke (yes it was to be a great night!) in their taxis. This was the very moment I decided that I must be very very unwell once again. Not since I were a 15 year old gal trying to impress boys with my cider drinking ability (or lack thereof after 2 litres in 30 minutes) have I ever embarrassed myself in public in the same way in full view of everybody I will see at a wedding in but 3 weeks time. Ah well, one lives and learns. Although I had thought I had already done that. A wonderful thank you for Bean for still kissing me (on the forehead) when we made it home!

This weekend shall be different. This weekend holds the dignity and love of a wonderful wedding. A wedding I shall hopefully be helping prepare tomorrow. I will be mostly wearing this cute hat which I bought in a sample sale and these shoes from eBay. Yes. I know how to get the bargains.

I bloody love this. I shall be wearing it with a very high sleek ponytail. Do you like? I may have to devote an entire post to this badboy!

So pointy and comfy!

and hopefully not imbibing the merest drop of alcohol. Please Bean help me!

What are you up to this weekend?

*Although we all know that I have issues with knowing what an acquaintance actually is.

pma I love that I buy shoes from eBay and forget about them. The pair above are deliciously comfy and ridiculously pointy Anya Hindmarch's which I bought long ago for maybe £10. Bargain.

i think i am a little stupid.

See I can play nicely. (And I miss you blond hair)

Thank you all so very much for your comments, tweets and emails regarding this post about me and my loneliness. Wonderfully overwhelmed and whilst it is horrible to hear that so many others are suffering too, it is strangely nice to know I'm not the only one.

I may have thought and maybe even written about this before but it was only as I sat watching a Friends rerun (please don't hate I was a teenager of the 90s and I still bloody love it - oh Chandler I adore you) I realised that perhaps Friends was my problem. It is patently obvious to me that I lust after a very close knit group of friends. There appears to be a little extravert inside me wanting to get out. I want to be a Monica. I want to be entertaining my little gaggle of homies with love and food and have you live next door so I can just pop over for hugs and giggles.

Damn you Friends you have really screwed up my expectations of friendship. It made me think that to have meaningful contact with humans I needed to be with people all the time. I think I mistook Hollywood's spin on friendship for what people actually have. See I told you I was stupid. Years of me fawning over the lives of 6 fictional characters and I did not realise that it wasn't just the words that were scripted. Oh such a fool.

I still most definitely want that. Well maybe just to live in a block of flat with all my friends on different floors and me in the penthouse (selfish but it's my dream alright!). However perhaps now I can learn that friendship for other people is not just about hanging around eating crisps and watching football. Although the idea of hanging around eating crisps (chips my american friends) and watching football doesn't really thrill, so perhaps playing x-box or the non-ironic thrill of Baywatch may be allowed? Without sounding like a self-help book. It is about putting yourself out there and trying. Not just assuming people will come to you but no being a doormat either (oh how I can be a very good doormat).

Oh and whilst I am being grumpy and preaching on that subject I shall also be talking about how Dawson's Creek has wrecked relationships for a generation too. (Perhaps on the blog tomorrow!)

And yes I very much do need to get out of the house and do something productive. It's just a little difficult right now what with outbursts of very acute sickness* and annoyingly random appointments for my brain. Indeed having to let charity's down would not bode well for my feelings of inadequateness. 

However I am trying to see more people and if you fancy meeting a relatively nice young lady for lunch or coffee (I usually come armed with vouchers if you are happy to slum it at zizzi's or pizza express), I could be your gal. Yes, I am definitely in the market to meet with lovely people. Would you be interested? I know you are all busy busy people but if you have a free lunch time or evening? Let's do something fun (albeit without alcohol for me). Ooo anyone fancy going to see the butterflies at the Natural History Museum? I am willing to let my hair go incredibly frizzy for you! Please just drop me a line at annaandtheringlondon at gmail.com.

I am going to make 2011, fun. Huzzah. 

*I am yet to tell you about my weekend!

pma - being short is sometime good. It means I can wear maxi dresses and feel like I am walking with a train everywhere especially the delicate descent down stairs. Oh the glamour. Yes I am a bride everyday right now. (I realise this backfires in the rain but 'tis fun no less!)

just a quick pma

So since last night I have been without internet. Oh the horror. So just a quick pma for today.

"I bought a hat. It is nice. I think I look rather summer-y and a little bit wonderful in it!"

honeymoon shoes

I am yet to honeymoon. A combination of lack of funds and the fact we took two weeks to actually get married and then get home (bloody snowpocalypse).

However, wherever I do go on honeymoon. (Including the possibility of pony trekking in Patagonia - why Bean, why?) I will want to be wearing these bad boys. I have lusted of these for many a year - perhaps as many as four and have seen the price rise and rise.

Yet, they are now on sale for £39.* Eeekables. Sadly, I do not really have £39 to spend on anything leave along  shoes. How a girl like me feels dirty to say that. Shoes I feel I have betrayed you.

Hello Dune Hobarts

So now I only need 39 reasons to buy myself so apparently rather comfy wonderful shoes.

Can we get to 39 comments on this is little post? To help me?

Ok. maybe 38. I shall start.

1. Because they are so cute.

*Please don't all buy out the size 37s!

pma

As part of anna gets better month/year/decade? I have decided to be nice to myself.

Well nice to myself once a day.

A positive mental anna, if you will.

So today, perhaps I should choose something epic to make this wondrous day?

Now that wouldn't be very me, would it?!

Hence my inaugural pma,

"I like how my eyes change colour depending upon and I love them when they look so very very blue."

Does anyone fancy joining me on this voyage of loveliness?

Bean and Hunter

My husband and his Best Man went to see the new Xmen film last night.

Go go Hunter and Bean.

via how are you i'm fine thanks

For the record I do not think I am Mystique - she is proper hot.

That's what I want with a girl. A proper bromance.

to tattoo or not to tattoo?

Try saying that 10 times quickly.

For me I fear I will always stay on the not side. I just cannot think where I would have something so permanent? Although I am increasingly enthralled by white ink and the watercolour genius of Amanda Wachob. Just look at that magnolia (although I love her more abstract work too).

via

However until I develop some actual balls actual ink is far too scary. So what's the alternative.

Now I'm pretty sure these have been all around the interwebs but just in case!

Now you can enjoy the hipster of hipster temporary tattoos!

I heart Tattly

$5!!! - Yes please!

Perfect for your wedding day!

Don't you think?

And these have been around for just that little bit longer but I still think are loveerly!

Oh Chanel

So tempting!

So, would you?

gosh I am sometimes rather stupid.

***Disclaimer. This may very much sound like a woe is me post. It is not, I promise. But a simple declaration of facts and probably some factoids (my brain is very good at twisting the truth for me).*** 

Yes, very stupid. Twitter has become my replacement friend.

I think I have only just realised that twitter and the like are a very poor substitute for actual human contact. Yeah talk about dumb. I'm actually rather annoyed at myself for allowing my slow departure back into a cocoon with no contact with the outside world. The introvert within me adores the shadowy figure which I can cut (or not as the case may be) alone in darkness where no-one notices if you are there and cares even less. It is very easy to feign interest in 140 characters? Or am I being to harsh?

I have had some very good friends in the past. However, once bitten, twice shy? I won't dwell on the details but I had some very very close friends at university. I would have done anything for them and at the time I'm sure they would have done the same. Two in particular, I loved with all my heart. Then I told them about my depression and I have not heard from them since. That bite was hard. Very hard. Indeed to the extent of being defriended on facebook. So very hard.

My closest friends now are probably my oldest friends. Yet they are all extroverts with many many other friends upon who to call. To arrange to see them takes almost military planning. I jest, but with their high flying jobs and extracurricular activities spending quality time is difficult. Indeed what I call* friendship is being part of someone's life. I want to share in the highs and lows. I want to been seen as loyal. 

So right now I find myself almost friendless. As I have said before, I am best with people I see all the time. The barriers to me talking and thinking freely fall down and I can just be myself. In most situations I find myself asking, "Is that okay?" or "Do you mind if we try this?" For the most part I feel like the subservient sheep because I don't feel important enough to have an opinion.

I imagine if you meet me for the first time you would not think any of these things. I think I can be funny and relatively charming - mainly because I am trying very hard not to be very me. If I were very me and then rejected, that would be so much worse. The only exception is if you have met me whilst tipsy/drunk. I am very much more myself then and I very much apologise! The last two times I fear I may have been tipsy as anna and the ring were the the rock and roll bride parties! I'm sensing a pattern.

I have stumbled blindly into new friendships (I think) but making friends is hard. In these fledgling relationships I fear I can be a bit too anna. I think I try and be too nice and helpful. The thing is when I find someone I think I gel with, I want to tell them. I don't want to lose them. Yes I am interminably uncool. I can't help it. It's finding someone you want to hang around with is just such a wonderful feeling yet I blunder in and well for want of a better word, anna them. 

Then I realise that I have been too forward and back off in the hope they will want to spend time with me. Gosh, what a passive aggressive move. However as is the case with most people I adore** they are talented and far too busy. Especially the friendships I have tried to forge with people in the wedding industry. Unsurprisingly they are busy at the weekends. I'm led to believe that this is when social interactions usually occur!

Although I have to admit I have not been a great person to be around of late. I have moments where I am feeling all bubbly and happy and agree to do a million and one things and then the darkness returns and I quietly excuse myself. I then hate myself for being quite so useless and return to my cocoon of safety but solitude. And then occasionally have a cry about how lonely and unloved*** I am. (Although I am all cried out right now, that's what talking to a psychiatrist does to me!) Here comes the woe is me. 

The thing is no matter how low I am feeling I enjoy being there for people. It makes me feel good. So not altruistic at all! I enjoy being a caring listening ear and whilst I am not the best at resolving nightmare issues I will want to try and do something.  I think I can be a good person. I can make people laugh and enjoy a good heated debate (well except with Bean as he feels he is always right and cannot be reasoned with. Gah!****) Okay, now this feels like I am pimping myself out. The My Married Friendless Friend website anyone?

Look fun!

Yes another terrible wedding photo. Thank you bridesmaid.

I am not sure what people think of me but I know that if I am told something in confidence I would not tell another soul.  Indeed I have no idea what people think of me. In some ways I fear people shouting right now that they don't think anything of me. I am that insignificant in their busy wonderful lives. In fact I am almost entirely sure that this is not being read by the people I wish I could be around more. So in many ways I am the master of my own rejection. Rather talented at catastrophising and compounding my own feelings of solitude.

Gosh, I can go one about myself a lot. My apologies. I wanted to get it off my chest and out of my head. Do I feel better? Yes, maybe I do. Maybe I just need to learn to relax a little more? I would then usually say, "Would you like to be my friend?" and insecure anna would laugh it off as a joke. However, maybe I should be seeking deeper friendships with people I can see on a regular basis? I don't know? I am all confused.

Help!

*Anyone get the reference? I have to say I do rather enjoy Miranda Hart! And yes, I probably do watch too much tv.

**Yes a very strong word but at least I'm honest.

***Which is very hard for Bean. I don't want him to feel he is not enough.

****Also Bean is very much my bestest friend but I need girls too. I would like to talk about pink and shoes and well, stuff.

the future and the new website

So I rather jumped in with both feet and sort of announced my intentions for my new website upon the world that is twitter. I perhaps should have put a little more thought into my strategy but well yikes!

I don't want to reveal too much just now. However I am very excited. I'm hoping it for a fresh "anna" take on the wedding world but still with a penchant for prettiness and very much with real people in mind. There will also be some yummy thought provoking seriousness.

I very much dislike comparisons - you know what I mean. The Bourne Identity meets Aladdin or Topshop meets Lanvin and the like. So I shall leave you to think about the type of site I may offer!! Any thoughts?!

As you may have guessed from these pages I have a preferred design aesthetic. I would still say I am of the shabby chic luxe ilk. I find perfection somewhat disconcerting. If you have read any of my increasingly old posts about shoes, diy and general prettiness you will understand my views towards certain aspects of the wedding world.

I would love to feature and right lovely things about (but not exclusively - I have a few other ideas up my sleeve)

Real weddings - not just photographs but the feelings and fears.

Styled photoshoots - with thoughts on how to create these ideas in real life.

Photographers - because I think it is important to know a little something about one of the most important people at your wedding.

Accessories - I tried to source some very different and special items for my wedding and want to show brides there are more choices than just Tiffany.

Shoes - I adore shoes - I like to talk about shoes - are you my new favourite person?

Stationery - Oh swoon, I am a paper whore and like to think there are many of you out there are too.
Florists - one of my favourite aspects of planning. Just thinking about the smell makes me smile. I want that for every other bride.
Designers - I had my own dress made for me - I want to hear about the dress talent that is out there.

DIY - do you have a crazy fabulous idea which may just work? Let me know!

and Take One Dress - if you have been following me for a while you will know I like to help a girl out! 

Do you think you have something to offer me?  Please drop me a line at annaandtheringlondon at gmail.com. I would very much love to hear from you.

More importantly for my financial sanity, 

I would love to take on a small number of select advertisers for whom I will write glowing words and have small but prominent banners displayed. I will be writing said words because I will believe in what they are offering and know they offer (in my humble opinion) either the best in their field or are up and coming and do deserve a break (and will be huge in the future!).

anna and the ring, has a great following (seriously I am constantly amazed by my readers) but this little no, big venture will be all new and sparkly and so I will not be charging huge amounts. I want to entice big and little names. It's about a community not a clique.

I am excited. I really hope that you will be too. I believe in the power of words. I really want you to join me. 

{I promise it's not a cult!}

Let me know. You know. As always you can find me at annaandtheringlondon at gmail.com. 

P.S. You can also now find me on Google + - so just look me up already!

well so, yes. Self indulgent - again.

Again I have been away on a little sabbatical. Sadly nowhere further than my house.

I can't really explain. Save to say my home situation is far from ideal.

I was going to say no newly married couple want to live at home with their parents. However even in my tiny group of friends this is a hideous sweeping generalisation. Said lucky lady lives in greenest Kent with her new husband and not one but two generations of her family. For her it works spendiferously. She and her husband work in central London and have a wonderful life together. Yes I am completely jealous. Indeed whilst the are city high fliers right now they also have the potential for a complete lifestyle change courtesy of their family's business. Double jealous.

Yet for Bean and me it is certainly not our perfect plan. Don't get me wrong I love my family, but I love them more when I see them less often. Right now I am finding it very difficult to live with their judgements of me being the useless one.

However there is a glimmer of hope.

In the months since I wrote this post about my dark side I have slowly realised that in very many ways I still want to be a doctor. I wish it wasn't that way. I wish I could cast off the my last 10 years and find another life or career that would thrill me. However, I am a medical geek to the core. So I have been trying to think of ways in which I could possibly return. Yet all the avenues seem to be blind ended.

That was until a couple of weeks ago where I was told of a team of doctors who deal exclusively with doctors with mental health problems.* Indeed, I am somewhat disgruntled that I was not informed about this before. However, since my first meeting with them I feel as if a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I cannot explain how almost happy I feel. I now have my own advocate who is extremely angry at how I have been treated (or in reality not treated). 

There is a long road ahead of me but now I feel there is actually a path upon which I can travel. I may actually become a fully formed member of society with something to offer. This excites me no end. So in view of me fulfilling my destiny I feel it is only right to have aspirations. 

So here is my to do list.

1. I really want to get back into blogging - you know the twice a day style that I used to do and love. I think you liked it too? Although things may change around here when/if point 3 works?!

2. I really want to get back into replying to emails - you know, in a proper timely fashion.

3. I really want to get back into starting a new blog - you know, super awesomeness (I may need your help to make it awesome)**

4. I really want to get back into getting better - you know, the happy shit.

5. I really want to get back into a real married life - time to find an interim job and move into a teeny tiny flat of our own.

Smiles all round.

This photograph does make me giggle. Go trout pout. Although my hair looks wonderful!

So the pretties are coming, the pretties are coming. (And maybe at last I will talk about...the wedding.)

*Whilst some (my old colleagues) appear to have a moral and ethical objection to the apparent rationing of care in this way, I dare say they have not suffered from any mental ill health themselves.

**In that vein would you be interested in becoming a blog sponsor on my new very wedding related website?

because I won't forget.

via

I mean this in my atheist's way. Rest in Peace.

happy independence day.....

......traitors. I hope you're happy now!

Love anna and Jelly.

(In my most American of outfits! Apparently, not that American.)

my bunny gets her beagle.

Now. I've never had a bunny, not even a little stuffed one. Well that's not entirely true, I didn't have a bunny until I found my place on the interwebs. Then I found my Bunny who had already found her wonderful Beagle.

This bunny has been with me through some seriously tough times and though we are parted by an ocean I care for her with all my heart. (Please know I care, my sweet.) I just wish I could be there in Chicago right now. 

I am so excited for her to become Mrs Beagle, Mrs Beagle-Bunny or perhaps Ms Bunny. Whichever her beautiful heart desires.

Have a wonderful weekend of love and joy. I will be raising a glass of bubbly to my lips (even if it is rather early in the morning).

I am sending so many kisses! You are going to look unbelievably delicious, stunning but above all, like you. All my love, Anna x