Monday, 24 October 2011

mental health monday - hello my name is Anna

To affect the change, I must be the change (perhaps?)

See the difference in the title?

No? Check again.

I wrote my name with a capital letter. Not a big thing I guess. However what started as a grammatically incorrect but aesthetically pleasing lowercase a almost embodied my thoughts towards myself (although perhaps in completely the opposite way - I do try to be somewhat correct grammatically but I am certainly not aesthetically pleasing). I don't love myself, maybe I never will however in the past few weeks things in my brain have changed.

I'm not a monster. I'm not a great person but I am a good person. I make mistakes and I do and say stupid things. I also realise I have incredibly strong views on certain emotive subjects which can cause offence. (They are not meant to - your opinion is just as important to me.)Yet in the same day I can do good things. I want to help people. I really do. I want to help you if you need it?! Whether it be finding the "perfect" wedding dress or the answer to a wedding woe or something completely unrelated. I'm your girl.

I am curious, you only have to look at my internet history to see how voracious my appetite is for knowledge. Want to know which animal has their testicles hang in front of the penis? I'm your girl. (Although I will freely admit I am a little weird.) Curious as to which country has the power to bestow the "Order of the Elephant"? One of my favourite bits of trivia! Yes, this is one of my bow strings, I love to search far and wide for the answer. I love it when you hit me up for advice because I know I can find you the answer. 

Yet I guess it's never clicked that I'm a good person. I'm intelligent and excitable. I want to thrill. So I think it's about time I believed in myself. No-one else will until I do.

I've heard the same piece of advice from so many people for many a year about confidence and ignored it. It's not for me - they don't know how useless I am. I'm pathetic, I'll get found out if I pretend to know more that I do. Yet, I do know my stuff, I want to know more and I am the person I think I can be.

I'm not sure why I've now chosen to listen. Perhaps hearing the words from someone I respect and look up to whilst knowing that they* are not free of their own demons in private.

So thank you not so anonymous. I very much appreciate that little push.

Yes - today Anna is good.

How was your weekend?

*I hate grammar for not letting me use they instead of he/she. Also as a non-grammar nerd I still probably don't understand why it's not allowed. I get that it's plural but in a time where people use data instead of datum and so forth is it such a big deal? Does it grind your gears as I oft feel with datum? Forgive me, I am but a mere science geek.

4 comments:

  1. no one is perfect or has it all sussed. The sucessful or people that appear to however simply hide/ignore the shit they feel deep down. if you keep telling people yourr worthless they'll start to believe it. likewise if u keep rocking out & being awesome & being YOU (and relishing in what makes you special) people will start to believe that instead
    this post makes me very happy indeed.

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  2. This sounds entirely all too familiar.

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  3. this is lovely, I'm going to read this post again and probabaly a few times more. Thank you. x

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  4. I think it is a road to go on. With MANY twists and turns, but it is a good road, and you expressed this perfectly.

    Thank you for sharing this.

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So, I really love all the sweet and/or informative comments that you lovelies leave. Yet if you feel the need to be unnecessarily rude or offensive I will delete your comment and not feel bad about it. So just be constructive alright! Hugs to all you wondrous others.

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