Tuesday, 13 September 2011

So this bit isn't about weddings but if you have a moment.

by the wonderful Kim Smith (I think I love her)


As I carefully dip my toe into into the depths* of my psyche I am realising things any "well" person would have known all their life.

My brain man started to challenge me from our first session. I can never fail at something I don't try but I can never prove to myself I could be better without trying. Yes this is obvious. I know. I need to be kind to myself. I need to say the things I would say to my friend if she

The thought of sitting in front of a wheel still petrifies me. However, I now have my provisional licence (oh my the photo!) and I guess the only way to prove to myself I am stronger than my anxieties is to try.

Another part of his work has been to make me think about my anxieties. I know in person I may* seem like a rational human being but in the run up to leaving the house I have to fight my demons.

The brain man felt it would be great idea to write about my demons. In black and white and then reevaluate my thoughts after the fact.

So before 
- fear of rejection
- fear of being perceived as boring 
- fear of being perceived as stupid
- the rather physical effects of anxiety. (I wish I didn't want to have scalp Botox.)
It's such a pathetic list. I see that I sound like a surly teenager. Yet in the moment I am gripped. Gripped by the fear of being judged and obviously I know I will fare poorly. It is so much more than my general introvertedness.

After 
- yes fun. I enjoyed myself. (Did you read my little write-up yesterday?***)
- relief I am home and not being judged.
- but I still fear that people were just being nice for the sake of it or induced by booze.

Hmm. I fear I am no further forward. The demon is still inside me. I must realise it is not part of me. I shall report back later to see if I managed to get any further. 

Do you have similar issues? I would love to hear from you whether it be in public or private. It is good to talk.

*I am assuming there are depths.
**I have no idea really.
***Are you one of the ladies I really want to talk to - please email me! (annaandtheringlondon {at} gmail.com)

3 comments:

  1. Hun, such a deep post... Replying to you privately.

    ReplyDelete
  2. "...but I still fear that people were just being nice for the sake of it or induced by booze."

    Pretty much how I've felt all my life and significantly not helped by the fact that I am never induced by booze. Sobriety equals constant self-censorship and paranoid evaluation of everything else. I used to lie awake for large chunks of the night, making myself feel incredibly nauseous as I replayed certain scenarios over and over in my head, cringing at myself, berating myself for whatever I had said or done that was stupid or ignorant or rude or ridiculous.

    I still do this sometimes actually. I don't have a fix. I just filled up my life with lots of other things so that I am almost always too exhausted to lie awake as I'm practically asleep before my head hits the pillow.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thank you so much for your kind words. They mean a lot. Seriously.

    ReplyDelete

So, I really love all the sweet and/or informative comments that you lovelies leave. Yet if you feel the need to be unnecessarily rude or offensive I will delete your comment and not feel bad about it. So just be constructive alright! Hugs to all you wondrous others.

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