***Disclaimer. This may very much sound like a woe is me post. It is not, I promise. But a simple declaration of facts and probably some factoids (my brain is very good at twisting the truth for me).***
Yes, very stupid. Twitter has become my replacement friend.
I think I have only just realised that twitter and the like are a very poor substitute for actual human contact. Yeah talk about dumb. I'm actually rather annoyed at myself for allowing my slow departure back into a cocoon with no contact with the outside world. The introvert within me adores the shadowy figure which I can cut (or not as the case may be) alone in darkness where no-one notices if you are there and cares even less. It is very easy to feign interest in 140 characters? Or am I being to harsh?
I have had some very good friends in the past. However, once bitten, twice shy? I won't dwell on the details but I had some very very close friends at university. I would have done anything for them and at the time I'm sure they would have done the same. Two in particular, I loved with all my heart. Then I told them about my depression and I have not heard from them since. That bite was hard. Very hard. Indeed to the extent of being defriended on facebook. So very hard.
My closest friends now are probably my oldest friends. Yet they are all extroverts with many many other friends upon who to call. To arrange to see them takes almost military planning. I jest, but with their high flying jobs and extracurricular activities spending quality time is difficult. Indeed what I call* friendship is being part of someone's life. I want to share in the highs and lows. I want to been seen as loyal.
So right now I find myself almost friendless. As I have said before, I am best with people I see all the time. The barriers to me talking and thinking freely fall down and I can just be myself. In most situations I find myself asking, "Is that okay?" or "Do you mind if we try this?" For the most part I feel like the subservient sheep because I don't feel important enough to have an opinion.
I imagine if you meet me for the first time you would not think any of these things. I think I can be funny and relatively charming - mainly because I am trying very hard not to be very me. If I were very me and then rejected, that would be so much worse. The only exception is if you have met me whilst tipsy/drunk. I am very much more myself then and I very much apologise! The last two times I fear I may have been tipsy as anna and the ring were the the rock and roll bride parties! I'm sensing a pattern.
I have stumbled blindly into new friendships (I think) but making friends is hard. In these fledgling relationships I fear I can be a bit too anna. I think I try and be too nice and helpful. The thing is when I find someone I think I gel with, I want to tell them. I don't want to lose them. Yes I am interminably uncool. I can't help it. It's finding someone you want to hang around with is just such a wonderful feeling yet I blunder in and well for want of a better word, anna them.
Then I realise that I have been too forward and back off in the hope they will want to spend time with me. Gosh, what a passive aggressive move. However as is the case with most people I adore** they are talented and far too busy. Especially the friendships I have tried to forge with people in the wedding industry. Unsurprisingly they are busy at the weekends. I'm led to believe that this is when social interactions usually occur!
Although I have to admit I have not been a great person to be around of late. I have moments where I am feeling all bubbly and happy and agree to do a million and one things and then the darkness returns and I quietly excuse myself. I then hate myself for being quite so useless and return to my cocoon of safety but solitude. And then occasionally have a cry about how lonely and unloved*** I am. (Although I am all cried out right now, that's what talking to a psychiatrist does to me!) Here comes the woe is me.
The thing is no matter how low I am feeling I enjoy being there for people. It makes me feel good. So not altruistic at all! I enjoy being a caring listening ear and whilst I am not the best at resolving nightmare issues I will want to try and do something. I think I can be a good person. I can make people laugh and enjoy a good heated debate (well except with Bean as he feels he is always right and cannot be reasoned with. Gah!****) Okay, now this feels like I am pimping myself out. The My Married Friendless Friend website anyone?
Yes another terrible wedding photo. Thank you bridesmaid.
I am not sure what people think of me but I know that if I am told something in confidence I would not tell another soul. Indeed I have no idea what people think of me. In some ways I fear people shouting right now that they don't think anything of me. I am that insignificant in their busy wonderful lives. In fact I am almost entirely sure that this is not being read by the people I wish I could be around more. So in many ways I am the master of my own rejection. Rather talented at catastrophising and compounding my own feelings of solitude.
Gosh, I can go one about myself a lot. My apologies. I wanted to get it off my chest and out of my head. Do I feel better? Yes, maybe I do. Maybe I just need to learn to relax a little more? I would then usually say, "Would you like to be my friend?" and insecure anna would laugh it off as a joke. However, maybe I should be seeking deeper friendships with people I can see on a regular basis? I don't know? I am all confused.
*Anyone get the reference? I have to say I do rather enjoy Miranda Hart! And yes, I probably do watch too much tv.
**Yes a very strong word but at least I'm honest.
***Which is very hard for Bean. I don't want him to feel he is not enough.
****Also Bean is very much my bestest friend but I need girls too. I would like to talk about pink and shoes and well, stuff.