Monday, 10 January 2011

so the wedding

This is hard to write.

I imagine you may have seen some of the photographs of our wedding.

You have all been incredibly nice.

I was expecting you to be nice, well because I know you are nice.

So truth time.

The thing is if I had seen my pictures of my wedding I would have honestly thought.

"Gosh, she looks terrible, why didn't she put in more effort before her wedding day."

I also said this to Bean, 

His response,

"Yes, Anna that's because you are a bitch" (true story)

I am still not sure about my photographs. I am a little sad I do not look prettier. I am sad that the snow and general kerfuffles meant that I could not organise things the way I wanted. And sadly, I am sad because I did not look the radiant and beautiful bride that usually graces the pages of magazines and blogs. (The very idea makes me sad because I thought I was above such thoughts and it is the love that is meant to shine out from wedding photographs and not traditional "beauty.") It is very confusing to me.

Also, I have very mixed feelings about the wedding. I think one of the reasons I have decided to share my wedding was because it felt like such a disaster. I was (and still am) so disappointed by our venue. Yet the fact our venue let us down (so very much) showed me how much the people around me are so incredibly wonderful. If there were ever a peace time equivalent of the Blitz, it were our wedding. It would have been an unmitigated disaster without the brain and brawn of our family and friends. 

I can't do traditional recaps. It's just not my style. I will probably pick moments and talk about them. Because I do want to talk about the wedding. Yet until now I was still angry and sad. I am so happy to be married but sad our day was marred by such bad feeling and problems.

I had no expectations that the day would be perfect indeed I had often spoken how perfection is rather dull. 

Yet where to start? Is it prudent to begin at the beginning? Yes I believe the scene needs to be set.

The scene that was snow....


until tomorrow my lovelies. 

I do hope you will enjoy my vague ramblings over the next few weeks.

25 comments:

  1. Anna, do you really believe that all those radiant brides you see elsewhere are 100% happy with how they looked/the day etc etc?
    Because let me tell you, there is no way that is true.
    I know because I have been there. It has taken me 3 years to be able to look back at my photo and say you know what, it is what it is, I am happy, people had fun, I looked like ME.
    One day I promise you will find peace with your day, but in the meantime please try not to beat yourself up so much about it.
    xx

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  2. Oh Anna, Anna... you do I really sincerely promise you look radiant and beautiful in your wedding pics. You look gorgeous and happy – I especially love the one of you and Bean nose to nose. It makes me feel v sad that you can't see that we're not being nice but being honest... not sure that sounds right but I hope you know what I mean!

    (If it helps, I almost never like pictures of me... even the ones from the shoot I did recently I don't like looking at them because I can only see the things I don't like. It's a crappy girl thing I think!)

    xxx

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  3. Anna, I am sorry to hear you are not happy with your wedding. To my eyes it looked amazing, you and Bean looked so happy and you really did look wonderful to me. Hopefully the process of writing about it will help. I also think Amy wrote very wise words about not beating yourself up about it, I'll second that. Xx

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  4. Meant to say yay for blitz spirit though!

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  5. This photo almost made me cry.

    http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_PXaGKnfPgWM/TRUIxVyCnEI/AAAAAAAAFmE/df4-YHrbH2w/s576/Anna%2526David-43.jpg

    Remember how you felt then! Remember it forever!

    Look how much he LOVES YOU! xx

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  6. I had to look through the photos again after reading this - are we looking at the same photos? I think you looked gorgeous and I love your dress! In fact I'm more sold on Emma for my wedding (when/if haha) as I like how natural your photos are and that they don't look like all the other photos from magazines etc.

    Looking forward to hearing more!

    p.s. I love what conversationpieces said about us being honest not nice - you honestly looked beautiful.

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  7. Tony, Bean and I adored your wedding photos. I was jealous of them. (Your dress! Oh, why did I rush off and buy a dress in a huff because I was mad at bridal salons instead of taking the time to find THE dress?)

    That said, I sadly understand what you mean. I looked at pictures that Tony had taken of me during the unwrapping of Christmas this year and thought, "oh! I've RUINED our Christmas pictures with my fat arms and bad hair and ...."

    Who knew I would feel this way about myself? Shocking, really. But there it is.

    I know it doesn't help, but you are beautiful and your wedding was gorgeous. We're sending you virtual group hugs right now.

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  8. I felt like I didn't put enough effort into the way I looked too. I did my own make up! I just try to think about how my husband and I felt on that day. Try not to let all of this get to you. Plus you looked pretty anyway so psh.x

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  9. Anna:

    I felt the same way. I am so sorry for you. I know this sucks. I hope you can look forward and embrace the future. Love you.

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  10. Really looking forward to reading the rest of your recaps - the good and the bad. I am sorry that you didn't get everything you wanted, but I think you got a load of other stuff that was awesome that you hadn't bargained for. I think your wedding report will be a lesson to all in managing expectations and, as such, an invaluable resource.

    x

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  11. It makes me so sad to read this and other similar posts. The disappointment about how your day went, I understand - but the comments as to how you looked - that makes me profoundly sad. You looked beautiful, from tip to toe, and your dress was amazing, (and your body looked just perfect in it!) and your smile in the photos is just radiant. From your writing, it is obvious you are a smart, creative, passionate woman, but for all of my dear friends who do not fit the wedding industrial complex's ideal shape (or height, or color) I would hope that creative, thoughtful women like yourself would help to change the expectations of what is beautiful by embracing people who do not look like everyone in the magazines. If we, your readers, think you are beautiful (and Bean obviously does!), what does your rejection of our appreciation say to us? Obviously you can feel however you feel, emotions and opinions are intensely personal, but I hope I've swayed you toward feeling like you are beautiful. Much love to you, Anna.

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  12. Anna if I'd had to choose one word to describe how you looked on your wedding day I would have chosen radiant - you are radiating love and beauty!! We are often the worst critics of ourselves as we live with our 'faults' everyday and find it hard to see what others see in us- I know I do. As for all the things we wish we could do differently, especially at our own weddings~ a common feeling. Hopefully with time you'll come to love your photos and wedding and come to terns with all that happened both good & bad x

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  13. I totally agree with Amy. I'm two years out... when I first saw my wedding photos I cried, I actually cried over how I looked and then didn't look at them again for a year. The next time was slightly better, and I just looked through them again the other day and felt even better about them, it just takes time. And being a bride is actually really hard. There's so much pressure, especially regarding how one looks that it can take quite a long time for that pressure to wear off... and for us to see ourselves without the super critical bride filter.

    Your photos are amazing, and you absolutely looked radiant and beautiful in them, I'm sure you'll see that in time, just like everyone else does.

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  14. Anna, Anna, Anna, Anna...
    Why oh why oh why.
    Why can I not shake you until you get it through your blinkered mind that you are beautiful. Hmm if only it were that easy?!
    I could tell you over and over about how much your husband loves you and how beautiful I think you are but I just don't think that will make a difference. Until you start loving yourself my pleas with you are not going to make a difference.
    One day....my darling one day.....I do believe that you will learn to love yourself.

    (When I that lesson myself I'll let you know how to do it).

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  15. You had many difficult circumstances to overcome: the snow, the venue, etc. It is funny how those of us who were not there quickly rush to say how beautiful everything looked in the photos (um, they did), but we weren't there to experience some of the low points so we don't totally know the full picture.

    Looking forward to your reflections on the whole picture. Obviously there were pretties, but I would like to hear what the not-so-pretties were. Also the emotional joys we cannot see, but do hope to feel with your retelling.

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  16. enough, lady. you are stunning, your dress was bitchin' and YOU are that bride that everyone's jealous of. haven't you heard people ranting and raving over how f*cking fierce you are!?

    wear that shrug out...be a lioness, lady, yeah?

    p.s. email me whenever, i loved talking with you!

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  17. Oh Anna, there's no point me repeating what everyone said and telling you just how beautiful you looked (but you did). I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way about your day, we put ourselves under so much pressure for this one day and I can understand your anger and sadness. You and Bean created a beautiful day full of love, I really hope that one day you see what we all do.

    Hugs and lots of love x

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  18. Your wedding was beautiful! And YOU were beautiful! All the shoes, the gorgeous dress...and you were RADIANT!! The thing is, it's so typical that even on a happy day, we can't fully appreciate our own beauty. I lost a bunch of weight before the wedding so I wouldn't "look fat" in all of my pics. I look at my wedding pics and thought, "Well that plan didn't work AT ALL." I never thought about the fact that the photographer was shorter than me! Lol...oh well. I felt beautiful, and I was so happy. I hope that's what you carry with you...and don't worry about how you think you looked (because I'm pretty sure EVERYBODY disagrees with you). And just think...you could have had wedding photos like this: http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/2009/11/19/an-apple-a-wedding-day/

    : O )

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  19. Anna - your post made me cry, for real. I looked at your 'sneaky peek' when it came out and felt my heart flutter at the look of happiness on both of your faces (the way Bean was holding you so close, never to let you go!). When I eventually saw the rest of the photos, I had a huge goofy grin on my face - you guys look like you had an awesome day!
    Oh - and that's without even mentioning your incredibly beautiful dress - and those fabulous eyelashes!!

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  20. Wow, it's really amazing to get this view of a bride's inner mind - it's terrifying how much pressure you guys are under and so much of it seems to be self-generated, with a little help from the press.

    I agree with so many of the comments above. But the one that sticks out is the link to this picture:

    http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_PXaGKnfPgWM/TRUIxVyCnEI/AAAAAAAAFmE/df4-YHrbH2w/s576/Anna%2526David-43.jpg

    To me that shows two people who love each other very much and if there's anything more beautiful than that, I haven't seen it.

    If you decide to beat yourself up because you didn't look like a stranger in a magazine then you're missing the point - you looked like you. The you that Bean loves. The you that judging from the comments everyone loves. The sadness is that you need to love you too.

    Here endeth the sermon. Looking forward to the pics.

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  21. Ok honey, I'm going to say this as gently as possible:

    You have some serious dysmorphia here.

    You are so pretty and radiant in your photos that they make my eyes water. & mad with jealousy. Your skin is amazing. You look blissfully happy, absolutely shining with beauty. You need to step back, maybe, and not look at them for a little bit. And then come back to them, and try to see them through everyone else's eyes.

    I'm -not- a nice person - if I think someone looks bad I just shut up. No sunshine-up-ass-ery here.

    AAHHH!! It makes me cry just thinking about it. Crazy! I love your face!!! I made my husband look at yr wedding photos to show him how pretty you are!!! AHHHHH!!!!

    (But yeah, I know how you feel. I say I'm ugly every day. STILL.)

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  22. I think you looked fab in the photos and I just loved the post on Love My Dress. I have to say I had similar doubts about how I looked in my wedding photos I think we are always too hard on ourselves - just remember that the main thing about getting married is promising to spend the rest of your life with that someone very special. X

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  23. I adore your wedding photos. I wish they were mine. You two are so cute together. And you ROCKED that dress Anna. You looked radiant.

    Sorry you are having a bit of wedding day disappointment. I remember how that felt and it was not fun x

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  24. I totally understand your frustration. It is amazing how wonderful my day was, yet I still focused on everything that went wrong . . .see: http://pdxbride.blogspot.com/2009/08/what-went-wrong.html

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  25. No one thought anything of the sort. You were a beautiful bride. You continue to be a beautiful. Stand tall and face the world with pride!

    And venue mistakes aside, hold onto the happiness, the emotions, and the outcome. (You know, how you got married.) That's what matters!

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So, I really love all the sweet and/or informative comments that you lovelies leave. Yet if you feel the need to be unnecessarily rude or offensive I will delete your comment and not feel bad about it. So just be constructive alright! Hugs to all you wondrous others.

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