awkward question of the day..

The question pertains to this little lady.....

....my Grandmamma as a teeny tiny baby.

I am rather glad that I have to ask people really very intimate questions everyday as it has somewhat prepared me for this next question.

"Grandmamma, you know you and Darcy* (her toyboy) are now a proper couple. Obviously we want both of you to be there and obviously we want to have you stay with us. So would you like a bedroom with a double bed or one with twin beds?" Cringe. 

Luckily my Grandmamma is a little minx and was quite happy to request a double room.

Cringe averted. Go Grandmamma!

*Yet another cunning pseudonym!

the truth according to anna

Thank you all for all your words over the past couple of days. I am looking forward to trying my best before and after the wedding but I have something more to say. 

I am going to say what no-one ever says. It has taken me over a year to write this but only now I feel I have discovered what I need to say. 

We are not all beautiful. 

I'm sorry but it is true and is it really a problem?

Whilst it is but my personal opinion I do not see beauty everywhere. Maybe I am shallow but I do not see beauty with every step. I do see beauty in the oddest of places but never really in myself.  People in the blog world ask for validation and I enjoy being able to offer my thoughts. However, unless I feel someone is soliciting my totally honest opinion I often will not say anything. I am of the stock if you have nothing to nice to say, say nothing.

I am not asking for sympathy, I just want to be honest. Indeed a (perhaps) wise friend once did say to me many, many years ago, "there can only be one who is most beautiful" and this reconciled my niggles for sometime but gradually my old insecurities fought back. 

Yet I cannot decide whether my thoughts are a product of my upbringing (as in I was always told I was not attractive by family) or just my honest observations.  Perhaps I just have a blinkered view of what "beautiful" is? Or is it that I am insanely competitive and find it frustrating I shall never be seen as beautiful.

Although you realise I am only talking about physical beauty. I realise that I can be a beautiful person without being beautiful, per say. I know Bean loves me for who and what I am. My woe comes not from a need to impress him or anyone else. I want to be be "happy in myself." A phrase I ask my patients on a daily basis and am still to work out what the real meaning is.

I do worry that I suffer from a reverse type of a body dysmorphic disorder where I can convince myself I look nice. (Particularly in aeroplane loos. Their mirrors and yellow lighting makes me glow!) That is until I see a photograph and see what a monster I look like when standing next to my beautiful friends.

Most of the time I look like this. Dishevelled, bug eyed and excitable. Maybe my aim should not be beauty but to embrace my own uniqueness and actually enjoy myself? Yeah, that does sound like a good idea. I think it's time I banned beautiful from my vocabulary. Uniqueness is what I should strive for.

Unphotogenic 10 year old anna with a timid Pickles and a nearly headless Father

P.S. Hannah you looked so beautiful on your wedding day. I mean it.

things are getting serious

That is what marriage really means: helping one another to reach the full status of being persons, responsible and autonomous beings who do not run away from life.

Paul Tournier

So what does a wedding mean?

Our wedding will be more than the sum of it parts. In my bumbling way I want to say that I am so grateful so many of you will be part of my wedding. I had no idea when I started rabbiting on about my daily thoughts about the wedding that I would be helped by so many of you. I sit here with tears in my eyes, full of appreciation that you have taken the time to email me, call me and meet me, to become friends. The wedding will be about Bean and me but will also be the personification of the love you have shown me. I will be a married lady in 4 months time and I am freaking out. My tears of happiness are overcome by my tears of worry. Not about the day, the marriage but about me.

The thing is....

I know I ask for so many things from you.  Yet this time I need you so very much.

I am not ashamed to say what I am about to say.

I do not want to look like I do at the moment on my wedding day.

My skin does not glow, my hair is not shiny and most of all I am fat. I hate the word but it is true.  I am trying to eat healthily but get very little exercise.  I hate to say I want a quick fix but I do.  It goes against everything I stand for. It is not how you look but how you feel. Yet at this moment in time all I can think about is how my grandchildren will look at my wedding photographs and think I was rather too round. I hate being the shape I am.

If you are happy with your size then that is fine, it's just I am not. It's not the media, the WIC, it is just me. A problem that extends back into forever.  However I am motivated, willing to learn or try anything. I shall hopefully be joining a slimming club next week but I need more.

Can you help me?

I want to be this very happy girl...albeit without the blonde hair.  

I also want to bring party dresses back!

Dashing and daring, courageous and caring

Some of you may be wondering, "what will Bean be wearing to this wedding?", well while this continues to be shrouded in mystery, I shall shed a little light on this for you.

Last week at had the immense pleasure of meeting Guy Hills, half of the team behind behind Dashing Tweeds at their London headquarters. I first came across Dashing Tweeds a few years ago, I think in some sort of Sunday paper magazine and, being a country boy with slight dandyish tendencies I was immediately taken with it. So when it came to deciding on an outfit for the wedding, after looking at a couple of other possibilities I thought "why the hell not? When else am I going to have the excuse to wear something like this?". Apart from, of course, all the times when I'll just make something up.

As well as designing tweeds, Guy is a a photographer and has traded his services for a number of suits from some of the top tailors on Savile Row which he was kind enough to let me try on, even if they were just a little bit snug. He had already sent me a load of samples and I had pretty much decided on the fabric that I wanted, but it was good to see it actually made up as a suit and an enormous pleasure to see really top level workmanship up close.

Though it is something to aspire to, I fear the days when I'll be able to afford Savile Row tailoring are a long way off. To slightly lessen this blow, Guy has recommended me a tailor that was rather more within my means, so I've given them a call and I'm going to get measured up next Friday.

If you are interested in Dashing Tweeds, as well as supplying tailors they have a small, but expanding range of ready to wear items for both men and women. For more details, just email guy@dashingtweeds.co.uk.

Finally, following a complaint from Hunter after my last post, here is a robot.

Source

Electric Love

So in lieu of a post here today I would love to direct you to my post on Electric Wedding.

Thank you all for you lovely emails and tweets wishing me luck at my new job.  The next 4 months should be a fun relaxed job before I rotate to a super busy super hardcore job. However that is after the wedding and obviously I see nothing past the wedding at the moment!

I am hoping for a Bean post tomorrow but we shall see!

Kisses

Hopefully I won't look quite as petrified as I do in this picture with my grandfather! I may feel terrified but I hope not to show it!

a flower for your thoughts?

I do tend to oogle at things for a long time* and fall deeply in love. I imagine you too have a continual progression of loves which enter your mind fleetingly and dissipate and those which seem to stay a while.

This is one of those. How I would adore to hang this in my teeny bathroom with only the occasional bud or sliver of green.  

Do they not seem like droplets of rain captured for but a moment in the darkness?

Caroline Swift

Caroline Swift makes such beautiful pieces including the most delicate ceramic items.

*This item has been in my drafts for over a year!

Mighty Mouse

I guest posted on Souris Mariage over the weekend.

If you haven't had chance to look please do!

Tell me what you think.

queen mix-a-lot

I may not be the coolest when it comes to music. Bean and I frequently "disagree" about music, indeed just the other day I was listening to a new band online which I sort of love yet he thinks is the worst band he has ever heard! Their album is out in September so we shall see... 

I cannot wait to finish compiling our music for the wedding. Whilst Bean may have cooler tastes (he's very 90's indie I think one is meant to call it), my favourite music is something one can sing and dance too.

Anyhoo, Bean never made me a mix tap (and never for him) but would it not be uber cute to do something like this for each other? Basically I 1Gb USB with cute cassette packaging. Me likey!

Make A Mix

P.S. How is it already August?