ok comrades - we've hit action stations - I need your intel

I am not going to stress.  I am stress free.  See my face (well no!), tis stressless.

There has been a little blip.  Gah.  It is not important, I am breathing and all is zen.  I am not a lady who needs to stress.  Things will be fine.  (Oh yes I think it is mantra time!).

Things were bumbling along rather nicely.  One might even say hunky dory.  Oh what I fool am I!

Without going into details we may have lost our wonderful photographers.  These words almost make me cry.  They are awesome but circumstances change and I only wish them awesomeness and happiness.  I'm not sure they will ever read this but huggles and super happy eekables, (I promise).

So comrades (you know I count you as my comrades) I need you contacts of wonderfulness. Show me your favourite photographers, offer your services, oh lovelies, just offer ideas.

I know this is may be greedy but I really want that one photograph of our nuptials that takes me back to that moment, a moment where everything and anything was possible.

Novice or expert - I want you
Boringness need not apply - I want someone who loves their craft
Travellers - I want someone who could travel to deepest darkest Northumberland
Weird colourists scare me - I don't like photographs to look like Schindler's List
Lomo/Holga/more fabulously obscure camera lovers - I love you
Triptychs make me smile - I love you
Smiling - I want you to enjoy our party, to feel part of our world for but a moment in time, but in that moment I hope you can capture the true love I feel for my Bean and our people.

Please. Comrades I am counting on you.

Kisses, anna x

hi, remember me?

Hi, remember me?

I'm the girl who is planning a wedding!  Albeit recently without the delicious help of the internet.  Yet, the man from the internet came and made things better.  So I am back.  Whoop?

Before normal service resumes please can I ask someone to buy this dress and come to my wedding?  Oh and then give it to me for a present?  So let me know!

Not usually a lover of Marc Jacobs but this dress is wonderfully divine.  Perfection. I promise the wedding will be worth it!!

Outnet

the jar is now closed!

Thank you.

Perhaps Mrs T summed it up perfectly.

"However if she EVER made another move, I'd say she's out. No second chances."

I have no reason to distrust, the past is the past.  Over. Done. I just needed to voice my worries out loud.

Coolio. Now on to happier things.  Onwards and upwards!

I really think I should talk about some wedding things.  What do you think?

pickled

My darling Bean and I talked this morning and well this sort of pillow talk should not be for public consumption.  I have therefore removed the last post under no duress but love.  I do still very much appreciate your comments.

Huggles to one and all.

a comical pickle

Way back in 2005 my dearest boy and I were parted for another year.  He was completing his postgrad. studies to become a real lawyer.  A hard year for both of us, away from each other, but perhaps not so bad for a Bean?

Indeed the delectable Bean was studying in an increasingly female environment!  Whilst he found new boys to hang with I fear they were a little too sedate for his hedonistic ways. (Well drinkies!) So he found some girls to let his hair down with, bless my metrosexual boy.  Girls really do like him.  One in particular took her fancy to my little Bean.  Let her name shall be Nellie.*  

Much drinking was always involved in their debauched evenings, or so I assume!  All was fine and dandy until one fateful? night where upon much booze had been imbibed and a little bit of dancing led to an attempted move.  Lips were touched, tongue may have entered the Bean's giant mouth. Mostly I feared for my beautiful boy's honour!  When he told me I did treat it rather lightly.  Lightly, I thought it was hilarious and slightly proud that my boy attracted the ladies! The most annoying thing for me was the fear of herpes (she does not have herpes and thankfully I do not either!).  He was not romantically interested, he loves me.  Seriously, not a big deal.

5 years on they are still good friends, which is fine.  I don't mean that in the bad way, I really love that he can be good friends with boys and girls.  Indeed she recently got engaged to a young man with who shall be known as Bean 2 (they may indeed share the same name !?!).  We had yet to meet.  This was due to change last night when we invited them over to celebrate their engagement.  Scared? I was rather nervous.  She is a rather pretty girl and apparently rather nice!  Especially as Bean and her share the joke that I may kill her if we were ever to meet!  Yet luckily she had the same worries!

With a sense of trepidation, we cooked and cleaned and primped and preened!  The doorbell rang.  Eeekables (not the good ones!).  Dun dun durrrrr.  My heart was beating arrhythmically, I feared I may faint.  Yes, my dears I was seriously worried.

Yet, I am not dead. I have killed no-one.  Pork belly was yummy.  I actually rather like her.  She is funny, erudite and rather fabulous.  No wonder Bean likes her.  Bean 2 is also rather amiable! Now I am super happy to invite them to our wedding.  

Crisis averted.  Potential annulment avoided.  Hugs all around.  The point I am trying to make?  I am unsure.  Maybe don't be quick to judge naughty ladies?  Trust your boys?  Most likely the latter.  Although girls that like your boys are often as lovely as you?  What do you think?  Ever been in a similar situation.

*Another cunning pseudonym, of course.

P.S. Thank you for your overwhelming support for the little new "secret" blog.  If you are yet to receive an invitation it could because I am "slightly" lazy and couldn't find your email on your blog or you don't have a blog and so your comment is without a profile.  If you are yet to hear from me, please do drop me an email.

eekables!

You guys are super awesome!

I do love the idea that we might need a secret handshake.  Although if we ever meet in "real-life" I will expect at least a covert eyebrow raise.  Yet I want to emphasise that it is not some elitist place where I shall be plotting to take over the wedding world.

In fact I rather hope there will be no talk of weddings.  Whilst the thought of my nuptials has spurred me into action. My happiness and health shall be important to me long after the dust settles and life returns to normal.

Please do not feel left out if I do not ask you to join me straight away.  I think I shall start small and see if things work first! I really intend on this space being a positive enclave for anyone that wants to help or be helped.  If you really want to join in all I ask is you to be a little more active on these pages and let me know you want in!  Due to the rather personal content I promise that the blog will never be made public.  I want people to be able to open up without fear of reproach or judgement.

Do not fret about this little space, I have realised I am yet to update you all on our progress of the wedding.  There is so much to tell.  I just get wrapped up in other ideas and then forget about things that have actually happened.  

Indeed as an inducement to stay with me here.  Here is scale of the problem!  Perhaps the worst but funniest photograph taken.  Yes, when Bean and I went to San Francisco we were one of losers wearing a high visibility jacket in a crocodile on segways.  It was freakin' awesome and yes I look that bad.

Ok.  I have taken down the photo as you are being far too nice.  That photo was hideous. Yet to late I realise the Bean is rather obviously Bean.  I shall have to dig out something equally hideous.  Now that shouldn't be hard.

Expect a secret email in the near future!

are you ready, willing and able?

So without getting all mission impossible on you...

....here's the thing.

I need you.

I need your spirit, I need your determination, I need help.*

I need someone to shout at me in Spanish (a la Elisa in 30 Rock), Urdu or Esparanto.

I want you to let out your frustrations on me.  Shout at me.

I cannot embrace my faults.  Bean's attempts at cajoling and encouragement are met with my deaf ears and my wide open eyes.  I am impervious to his advances!

I want to be healthier and happier.

Well maybe not everything but I have hatched a plan.  I have just started a new little super private blog to which I shall invite anyone who wants to help me.  What is written on those pages will stay on those pages.  This will be my place to face my demons whether they be physical or mental.  A place to get hot and happy!  

So I ask you my delicious friends (yes you are my friends, I hope you think the same) to just to drop me an email so I can let you in.  I want it to be a place for me and others (if you wish to join in!) to motivate each other into happiness and health.

Why the mystery?  I just want this to be my place, without Bean.  I know I can be totally honest with him but I know it is easier to speak to the anonymous miasma.  

So are you with me?

*But obviously not to the detriment of your amazingness.

P.S. There will be puns and optimism.  

P.P.S.  I know the lower print is by Anthony Burrill but I have no idea where the other wonderness is from.

do you have to to be beautiful?

Hello there, remember me?  Sadsack is back!

Just to say this is not a pity post but a serious look at our niche of the interweb.  This may or may not offend. 

I'm not talking about the beautifully styled wedding shoots but the lovely wedding planning ladies.

I had perused the web before the Bean finally proposed.  (Yes I'll admit I had a few pre-engaged moments.)  I guess I did not really see the people.  I was over awed by the wondrous details.  The prettiness and so forth.  I was yet to find my raison d'etre*, I did not have my muse.

Yet, it was only as a whim I started my little blog.  I didn't actually expect things to be quite so wonderful and such lovely peeps to be interested.  It never occurred to me I might actually have to reveal my true identity (that is my face, my body and the fact that I am not a celebrity - although bean does love to call me his little minor internet celebrity - he finds it hilarious! - idiot!)

Yet, the more I see such wonderful and beautiful ladies marry the more I realise that perhaps I have overstepped the mark.  How did I not realise that it is only meant to be the beautiful people who write wedding blogs.  This is my observation only and does not lessen the fact you ladies are also insightful, funny and deliciously clever.

"People" say you will always look beautiful on your wedding day but what about those of us who are not blessed in the looks department.  Simply, I am not beautiful.  Obviously vain, but not hot!  I do not think I am a grotesque but I will never be america's next top model.  I am ok with that I would just like to look the best I can.

Yes, yes, yes beauty is subjective.  However I see all your freakin' fabulous faces and think how can I compare?  I know that all eyes will be on me at some point during the proceedings. The idea sends shivers down my spine.  I have mentioned before about the dearth of photographs I have of myself but it would be nice to have one image with which to savour the moment.  I want to share but at this time I would be ashamed to publish my picture.  My form tars me with a brush of inadequacy.  I cannot stand it any longer.

How do I reconcile my insecurities? I understand my lack of self worth ties in ever so neatly with my inability to look at myself in the mirror.  However there must be shard of truth which stops me from being beautiful.  I need to be a better, healthier person.  I want to be that person.  I want to be able to look in the mirror and say, "hello hottie!"  Well maybe I'll never say that but you get the idea.  I want to find the beauty in myself which I can so easily find in others.  I just think being a healthier person will be the making of me, inside and out.

I that vein I have decided to throw myself to the wolves.  I need help.  I want to look and feel different.  In short I need you.  There will be further instructions to follow.  I expect you shall be waiting with baited breath, no?

*You know, the decadent, relaxed, intimate fun!