Thank you all for all your words over the past couple of days. I am looking forward to trying my best before and after the wedding but I have something more to say.
I am going to say what no-one ever says. It has taken me over a year to write this but only now I feel I have discovered what I need to say.
We are not all beautiful.
I'm sorry but it is true and is it really a problem?
Whilst it is but my personal opinion I do not see beauty everywhere. Maybe I am shallow but I do not see beauty with every step. I do see beauty in the oddest of places but never really in myself. People in the blog world ask for validation and I enjoy being able to offer my thoughts. However, unless I feel someone is soliciting my totally honest opinion I often will not say anything. I am of the stock if you have nothing to nice to say, say nothing.
I am not asking for sympathy, I just want to be honest. Indeed a (perhaps) wise friend once did say to me many, many years ago, "there can only be one who is most beautiful" and this reconciled my niggles for sometime but gradually my old insecurities fought back.
Yet I cannot decide whether my thoughts are a product of my upbringing (as in I was always told I was not attractive by family) or just my honest observations. Perhaps I just have a blinkered view of what "beautiful" is? Or is it that I am insanely competitive and find it frustrating I shall never be seen as beautiful.
Although you realise I am only talking about physical beauty. I realise that I can be a beautiful person without being beautiful, per say. I know Bean loves me for who and what I am. My woe comes not from a need to impress him or anyone else. I want to be be "happy in myself." A phrase I ask my patients on a daily basis and am still to work out what the real meaning is.
I do worry that I suffer from a reverse type of a body dysmorphic disorder where I can convince myself I look nice. (Particularly in aeroplane loos. Their mirrors and yellow lighting makes me glow!) That is until I see a photograph and see what a monster I look like when standing next to my beautiful friends.
Most of the time I look like this. Dishevelled, bug eyed and excitable. Maybe my aim should not be beauty but to embrace my own uniqueness and actually enjoy myself? Yeah, that does sound like a good idea. I think it's time I banned beautiful from my vocabulary. Uniqueness is what I should strive for.
Unphotogenic 10 year old anna with a timid Pickles and a nearly headless Father
P.S. Hannah you looked so beautiful on your wedding day. I mean it.