Tuesday, 16 February 2010

birthday woahs and woes

Oh what a delicious Friday night I gorged myself upon Alaskan King crab (oh yes I am fancy!) with my Bean, bro and parents.  T'was a twee evening with wine and giggles. Mostly my bro, bean and me laughing at my parents' silliness!

What was the best part I hear you cry? It was my awesome present!  May I introduce you to Mr Padd. (Technically he was mine all along but I count him as a present anyway!)  Yes he is old (but let's not count it in years) and he is moth eaten but he is wonderful!


Yes Friday was good.

Saturday (and subsequently Sunday) was not.

Everything started out so promising. I lovely lie-in and a Bean willing to bring me coffee in bed.  We then ventured to the outside world.  Maybe we could go to the shiny new cinema? I almost went into Tiffany's (just for funsies and to be equally appalled) before I realised I would have to queue!!!  How ridiculous.  Indeed I did see some very pretty shoes in Miu Miu.  One day, one day when they are on sale.  Although incredibly Bean did remark that I should be weary of purchasing bejewelled shoes as they may catch on my dress.  (I love you, Bean!)

Things then changed.  I started to feel so constricted.  I am usually not one to fear market places. I used to love to dance with people packed on a dancefloor.  Crowds are usually good for me.  I am not quick on the flat but am able to weave quickly at tube stations and the like.  

All of a sudden all I could see were happy smiling faces.  Everyone was laughing and smiling and enjoying their day out with their loved ones.  All I could feel was the fact I am not happy.  This intense wave of loneliness and sadness washed over me.  Tears started rolling down my cheeks.  I just couldn't control myself.  It has been so long since I wanted to cry so deeply.  I wept uncontrollably for so long, so long.   I hate that I am broken.  I hate that I am so alone. Bean is wonderful but I do not want to burden him so.  I wish I knew how to make friends.  I just do not have that gene. Oh yes I think I get on well with people but then they go away.  I hate myself.  This weekend I was close to worst I have ever felt.  Just writing these words makes me feel a little better.  To be able to talk about things helps but if I could never have been born, I think I would prefer that.  I have nothing to give.  

I wish things were different.  I know there can be a light at the end of the tunnel.  I just need to look harder.  At least I have Mr Padd.  

20 comments:

  1. Dearest Anna, I am sorry you spent your birthday weekend feeling so blue. I, too, have a hard time making friends, and my dearest ones live far, far away. It is indeed, painfully lonely at times. Mayhap we are all a little broken inside? It is just harder to see from the outside? I hope you feel better.

    P.S. I was obssessed with Mr. Paddington as a kid, to the point where I only ate my peanut butter sandwiches with marmalade. Still my favorite!

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  2. Oh anna! I am sorry you felt so alone on your birthday. I've had the same feelings, especially when I'm apart from my husband. One night a group of giggly happy friends passed under my window and I started bawling because I felt so lonely and wished so badly that I had a group of giggly happy friends to hang out with, and I was too ashamed to call my husband because I didn't want to burden him with how low I was feeling. We do have things to give, but friendships just aren't easy, and in a lot of ways they just get harder to create and maintain as life goes along.

    Re: Mr. Padd -- about two years ago, I was on a train in London, passing through Paddington Station, and a very drunk gentleman in the seat in front of me turned to me and said, "You know thish isn't where the bear lives, little girl. The Paddington bear. He doesn't live at this station. It's very odd." Yes, yes sir, it is very odd.

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  3. Oh Anna! Meant to be getting an early night but when I saw this post on my phone I had to leave a comment... I'm so sorry to hear you felt like that (especially when you're meant to be enjoying your birthday). If it helps I think we all feel like this from time to time... I had a wonderful weekend with my OH and then had the day to myself on Monday which ended up with me having a scary panic attack – and I was trying so hard to hide it from the OH as didn't want to make him feel bad, that I just made things worse.

    And here's something I guess too... you do have things to give. You've given me something now – made me feel less alone with how I felt yesterday. That counts for something. If you'd ever like to chat (just in case it helps), drop me a line... I'm not as cuddly as Mr Padd but I'm a good listener (if you can be that by email?) xx

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  4. My lovely lady, do you have any idea how much joy and laughter you bring into people's lives with your beautiful blog. It is thoughtful, witty, moving and always eloguently written...

    You are a kind kind soul and were there for me this week when I was utterly distraught and you helped me keep a really challenging personal time for me in perspective - thank you.

    Please think of lifting the phone to ring tomorrow and we can chat over coffee and a mountain of biscuits, because I'm pregnant see and at the moment want to eat anything that's even slightly edible. I might even eat you if I saw you, so lovely that you are, so you had better stick to the phone for now. You have my number. Text/Twitter to tell me when might be convenient so I can be sure I'm at home & can give you my full attention.

    And please don't worry, we all have totally crap days like this. My birthday this year was rubbish!

    Much love and hugs to you sweet lady

    xXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

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  5. And now I wish that I lived near you so I could take you out for a glass of champagne!

    I think everyone is a little bit broken. Most of all the people who laugh all of the time.

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  6. Oh honey I'm so sorry to hear that! I know it must be a horrible feeling. Yesterday I cried uncontrollably for no reason whatsoever. I just felt sad and lonely and unhappy. And I wasn't even alone. And there was nothing for me to feel sad about. You, my dear, are a wonderful woman who brings joy to many people's lives. I only hope for your life to be filled with such joy every single day. We're all here for you if you ever want to talk. Big hug!!! xoxo

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  7. Oh Anna, big hugs for you! I've felt that way a few times in London and wonder if I will feel that way in Singapore. It is definitely possible to feel lonely in a crowd.

    It is hard to maintain friendships and some will go away. But your closest friends, Bean, your family - they are always there for you and there are sure to be more amazing people out there who would love to call you their friend.

    I can't wait to meet in March! I'm bummed that my life is so crazy and I'm moving to yet another continent. Perhaps we need to meet at a place with macarons or olive breadsticks (I'm thinking Selfridge's or Princi bakery).

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  8. Oh Anna. I am so sorry. A lovely person like you deserves a lovely birthday. Please don't hate yourself. You are funny and sweet and very dear.

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  9. thinking of you, anna. hope that you feel better and that brighter days come your way.

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  10. Oh Anna. Do you know how much we all adore you and your blog and the lovely comments you leave around the blogasphere.

    I am so sorry you feel so alone. Especially on your birthday. I'm glad that Bean is with you and you are not truly alone.

    Internet hugs to you my dear. Wish we lived closer so we could be real life friends.

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  11. oh darling anna. I'm so sorry. I know it's hard to see the big picture at times like this. but i can tell even across the internet you are truly loved. and you needn't feel guilty about being upset either. I'm sure Bean doesn't see you as a burden. Your future husband wants to take care of you and know your soul. Fiancee has seen me cry more than I care to count. Sometimes about nothing. Sometimes about big things. It's because I can be vulnerable around him, it's a special kind of intimacy. I wish I could be in London right now!
    p.s. I love paddington bear!

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  12. My goodness. I hope you feel better soon, but also that you know how you make other people so happy with your wonderful writing.

    Were you in Westfield? I live near there (I'm the same Claire that emailed). If you were, we should meet up. xx

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  13. oh, oh, oh how dare the grim reaper of depression rob you of your sparkle on your birthday weekend. Big fat hairy sweary words at the injustice.
    I love how Elizabeth Gilbert in Eat, Pray, Love describes her depression as actual people; sadness and loneliness who share her bed and sit at her breakfast table reading her newspaper/diary - because it often is a palpable as that it feels like another person in the room draping this dark veil over you.
    I could write screads and screads about how fabulous, witty, amazing, gorgeous, wonderful etc. etc. you are but you are not in a place to listen to these things - if it would help I will write it for you to read on a better day.
    I believe that 'normal' Anna is in there somewhere or you wouldn't have written this post you'd still be on the floor of the market crying. Please Anna, please I believe you are in there somewhere, you are worthy of love - Bean does love you, he isn't just hanging around because he doesn't have anywhere better to be. He doesn't rock you gently and whisper sweet nothings into your hair while you cry because there is nothing on the telly at the time, he loves you and all your faults and wants to spend the rest of his life with you.
    Try and remember the delight and honour that your bridesmaids felt when you asked them to stand up and represent you - that was genuine, you don't keep friends from childhood by being a horrid person there are too many chances for them to escape, they want to be your friends.
    Number of friends doesn't count for anything when you are lonely in a crowded room, it is the ones that recognise that loneliness and will smile and tell you it is ok to feel like that.
    Lovely lovely girl, please get well soon and really if there is anything that I can do to help please just shout. It took a lot of unconditional love to get me where I am now and I still have doubts so you are not alone, and although this is a strange to get your head round online relationship with out the seedy implications I count you among my friends.
    Big hugs and hopes for your wellness.
    xx

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  14. Love Paddington bear.
    My heart goes out to you.
    You are much, much loved.
    Friends come and go. No indication of your self worth.
    Being whole is over-rated. Broken makes for better stories. ;)

    Virtual hugs and good jujus your way

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  15. I'm not as good with words as you, but I just wanted to send you virtual hugs and best wishes.

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  16. Anna, I cant begin to fully understand how you are feeling but you should know that im here for you and sending you good wishes.

    Im truly grateful for being able to talk to you when I was having a bad time and you should know that it helped me loads to know others were there.

    Im so sorry your birthday weekend wasnt as it should have been x

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  17. Thank you so much for all your kind words. I wasn't really expecting such loveliness (well you are all lovely but I think you understand what I mean).

    It's not really that I was sad that it was my birthday I guess it just highlighted my loneliness.

    I am ok. Just a little sad but so grateful for you words. I wish I could fly you all here for a lovely macaron and champagne festooned weekend and giggles.

    In any case, I shall treasure your words as they mean the world to me.

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  18. Oh my sweet, everyone is a little bit broken.

    And birthdays... birthdays can be tricksy. So I hope you have a most wonderful unbirthday this weekend. xx

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  19. I am just catching up! Oh, sad face for you, and you poor poor thing that it was your birthday. Like some of the ladies above, I too can sympathise. First term of uni I went home and just cried for days because everyone else had instantly made all these good and wonderful friends and I had never felt so alone. It just.. it takes me longer to build friendships, which I guess I am now having to come to terms with. I know we're slightly less 'physical' friends, but know that our typy and digital natures are just as fond of you as a sitting-next-to-you person could ever be.

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  20. chin up girl, Paddington makes the world feel like a better place : )

    p.s. we all heart you.

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So, I really love all the sweet and/or informative comments that you lovelies leave. Yet if you feel the need to be unnecessarily rude or offensive I will delete your comment and not feel bad about it. So just be constructive alright! Hugs to all you wondrous others.

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