Thursday, 31 December 2009

bonsoir 2009

It would seem what I am about to say is somewhat "trendy."

I find enforced joviality somewhat tedious.  To get blotto just for the sake of it.  To stagger around, emit one's toxins, only to imbibe once more.  Or perhaps I am simply tired of British louts?

Yet, maybe I should embrace the tradition for reviewing the past year?

I have found solace in admitting my troubles out loud.  May my health continue to improve.

I have found strength in my engagement to my wonderful Bean.

I have "met" some simply amazing ladies over the past few months.  I wish to thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

So here's to 2010.  The year I will marry my one true love, the year I will devote to making myself well, nay happy, the year I will enjoy.

I do hope you will join me.

let there be love

Oh so today is the day the wondrous Miss T ties the knot!  I am crazily excited for her.  As I write this it will be so close to the moment.  Eeekables.

I hope all the stress will dissipate and there is that moment where it seems like it is just you and your man.  The moment you get to declare your love to each other, forever.

Enjoy the doughnuts! Anna xxx

Wednesday, 30 December 2009

his and hers?

I must admit I am having a slight decanter moment.  I have no idea why I am suddenly so obsessed! Could it be my sudden lust for wedding details?  Oh there are so very many sweeping through my cortices currently.  I hope they will finally begin to slow down and allow me to focus.  Oh, as usual I digress.

Would it not be beyond adorable to wake up to this wondrous decanter (full of cleansing mineral water of course) with my newly endorsed husband!  Eeekables!

They also offer his and his and hers and hers!  Love it! I freakin' love it!

Tuesday, 29 December 2009

goodbye my lover

Oh do not fret I do not mean Bean!

I mean Google Reader.  Seriously, everyday I come home to see another thousand posts.  One girl cannot climb this mountain.  

Yet I cannot give up totally, no.  I am merely drastically culling my illicit relationship.

So, au revoir boring blogs!

I do not need to hear from people telling what I need to do to get married.  (Although I will admit there are certain blogs -I'm pretty sure you can guess which ones - I shall continue to read because they make me so eye wateringly irate!) Sure they say they are different from the "mainstream" but by actually spouting their sacred gospel they actually make their thoughts mainstream and god forbid anyone actually really having a different view. (They pretend its ok, but as soon as there is dissent - yikes!)

I do need to hear swearing, actual original thoughts and bon homie.  I hope to never read another dull colour coordinated post.

I love to hear people enthuse about their loves, loathes and lives.  I want to hear from the wonderfulness like the newish Bowie Bride and a Cupcake Wedding.  They make me happy.  If you know of (or are!) any other newish fantabulous ladies, please expand my horizons and drop me a comment or email!

I think a new manifesto here at anna and the ring is in order!  I fear things have be somewhat serious (although I do think some things needed to be said) but I need to be more me.  I tend not to swear unless drunk and then my potty mouth takes over (mainly because I have trained myself not to in front of patients).  So expect to be hearing a few more naughty words around here!  Now the wedding is actually taking shape I think I need to focus and start trying to flesh out what I actually want from a wedding and marriage.

So keep your eyes freakin' peeled!

P.S. Anyone found bean's blog yet?!

Monday, 28 December 2009

you like me, right now, you like me (otherwise known as "you like me, you really like me")

As the wonderful Sally Field once gushed at the Oscars!

I get awfully excited when I am bestowed with such honours.  I know everybody says this but I simply cannot believe such wonderful people take the time to read my words.  Thank you, you wonderful ladies.  

Now, these awards have only recently done the rounds so I shan't pass them on to anyone.
Yet if any of you fancy revealing just another few words about yourselves I would love to know more.  I am a seriously nosy gal!

7 things about me and my physical appearance
I am but 5 foot and 2 inches
I have lovely size 4 feet
I have increasingly greying eyes, I do enjoy their increasing intensity
I have a pair of worker's hands in such contrast to my mother's beautiful hands.
My hair was once a delicious golden blonde yet the curse of puberty turned my hair to mousy brown with the occasional blond streak.
I almost never paint my fingernails yet my toes are often delightfully coloured.  My latest joy is Vendetta - perfection.
Oh and of course I am ample with bosom!

7 embarrassing things about me
I am a serious geek.
I love playing games such as call of duty on the xbox although the best part of oblivion was skipping and picking flowers.
Indeed my fantabulous brother bought us Rock Band for Christmas and I now have a hankering for going to a Metallica concert!
Whenever I am in a group of family I love playing board games and I am seriously competitive.
I can name all the elements of the periodic table in about 5 minutes and I can almost name all the countries of the world in about 15.
I love reading trashy secret society, nazi gold, adventure books - heaven.
I adore watching Poirot - I love Mr Suchet.

30 random thoughts

1. Your hair: Hmm curly or straight.  Sometimes I think it's great!
2. Where is your mobile (cell phone) : on silent somewhere, as usual
3. Your father: is slowly becoming grumpier
4. Your mother: is a worrier 
5. Your favourite food: currently I am in love with my local Indian takeaway
6. Your dream from last night: scary wedding dream #129
7. Your favourite drink: vintage champagne daarlings!
8. Your dream/goal: well comedy writer is a dream yet in reality I yearn for marriage, children and a real home with an Oscar for best original screenplay
9. What room are you in: my lovely living room
10. What is your hobby: procrastination (hence the fact it has taken me 3 months to post this!)
11. What is your fear: dying alone 
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years: I want to have a lovely little townhouse in London, with maybe a couple of babies and on my way to becoming a professor and a world authority on some obscure medical condition.  
13. Where were you last night: saying goodbye to bean for one whole week.  Oh to have our little flat on my own for a week, eek!
14. Something you are not: rude 
15. Muffins: raspberry and white chocolate please
16. Wish list items: oh far too many - health is probably the most important
17. Where did you grow up: technically Kent but I like to call it Sarf London
18. Last thing you did: turned the heating on
19.What are you wearing: So much lip balm after surviving Christmas on the tropical island that is my parental home.
20. Your TV: unsurprisingly so much cheaper 2 years later.  Oh how I wish I could be one of those people who doesn't need to have a tv, alas it shall never be me!
21. Your pets: Apart from the little mice which pitter patter through our home, none.
22. Your friends: are very few yet so dear.
23. Your life: has only just begun
24. Your mood: increasingly happy
25. Missing someone: as my thoughts turn towards weddingness I do miss my late grandparents.
26. Vehicle: only feet, but as a good london girl, I have my oyster too.
27. Something you're not wearing: this seems a rather intimate question - lets go with perfume!
28. Your favourite store: I could never play favourites, there are just too many.
29. Your favourite colour: Pink (magenta)
30. When's the last time you laughed: just now (not at myself - something rubbish on TV which I cannot even recall)
31. When's the last time you cried: recently but increasingly further away.
32. Your best friend: is the wonderful Bean
33. One place you go over and over: bed
34. One person who emails me regularly: oh the wondrous ebay
35. Favorite place to eat: at home (especially now Bean has a new and shiny molecular cookery set)

Friday, 25 December 2009

and so here it is merry christmas

Have a wonderful few days and I shall be back with excitement (well musings and quandaries) next week!

How I adore my Grandmamma (and her late dog, Cake*) and her Christmas cards!

*Obviously another cunning pseudonym!

Saturday, 19 December 2009

why do birds suddenly appear?

In another tribute to the wondrous Melanie of one little dove and stuff i would bazooka I would like to offer the birds which insist on singing outside my window at 3 in the morning.  Oh and not just one song.  I'm pretty sure they must work in shifts because they sing all fricking day long!

I live in a sweet idyll with but 5 trees outside my beautiful bedroom window.  Around me there are scary tower blocks and so I guess the entire neighbourhood of birds live in those 5 trees.  They can't have babies at this time of year can they?  So I imagine they must be trying to attract the ladies, damn their courtship is intense. Maybe the winter has attracted a ravenous "stag" party from Scandinavia and they all are just living it up just outside my window. Please, pretty please could we have a little down time?

Oh and while I'm at it why, dear neighbour, do you feel the need to have your television on full blast at 4 in the morning.  We all know there is nothing good on at the best of times, seriously what are you watching?!!?

Not getting much sleep, eh, anna?!

Friday, 18 December 2009

fantabulous etsy friday - keeps the doctor away?

Just a quick post today.  Oh how I love this wondrously ingenious little piece of heaven called "An apple a day."

Now anna wants to get healthier next year so would this not be the most apt calendar to buy me?! Hinty hinterson!

Thursday, 17 December 2009

oh, what can i say

Thank you for all your kind comments and emails.

It has been tough to even be honest to myself leave alone anyone else.  The realisation that depression is an illness was monumental.  It hurts to hear so many of your have suffered the same problems but inspirational to hear your stories of health.  I will always be at the end of an email if you ever want to talk.  I promise.

Just to make it clear, I do not want to be seen as an expert nor as a sufferer.  Just a girl who is trying to get better and hoping to help a few others along the way.  Thank you for your words of support and it is nice to see the message is getting out there.  Depression is a disease and no amount of "pull yourself together" or "just get on with things" can ever help without the appropriate treatment.  Imagine the outrage if someone said this to a cancer patient without the offer of traditional therapy.  It outrages me.

I have no problem with people saying they feel depressed.  Indeed when I am fine but feeling blue I automatically say, "Golly, I'm so depressed" it is just a word that has entered the popular consciousness.  It will just take a whole lot more to get the hoi polloi (and I mean the medical community also) to understand what it actually means to truly be someone with depression.  It is a hideous scourge which I will never be truly free from but I hope that with all the right help I can be the girl I know I can be.

Oh my, no more doom and gloom from me.

I must get back to the joy that is weddings.  I hope you do not mind my slight diversion over the past couple of weeks but I like to think it has added a little to my little space on the interweb.  If I happen to go off topic again in future I do hope you will indulge me?!

Anna xx

Wednesday, 16 December 2009

wedding list wednesday - hello Polly!!

Oh I have had these beauties on my mind for a long time.  I love my crockery.  As a young gal I swooned over mugs.  Not the pretty pretty tea sets I may wax lyrically over now but witty charming mugs!  I have to admit I loved the sale after Valentine's day at Whittards.  Oh the wondrous hearts!

However, whilst I still love my heart laden mugs I have grown up. (Slightly).  Now I swoon of crisp white porcelain. Delicate but functional.  Polly George has answered my prayers with a delicious collection which I long to hold in my hands. I see it as perhaps the perfect wedding gift for traditionalists with just a hint of whimsy.  Just look at these beautiful pieces - from the line Mr & Mrs. Jones. Perfect for that first wondrous breakfast together as husband and wife. (And if that's a little cliqued just for you, maybe an everyday fabulous breakfast).

What do you fabulous ladies think? Oh to have a proper lazy morning breakfast.  Maybe pancakes with a drizzle of lime and a huge pot of tea?

Friday, 11 December 2009

fantabulous etsy friday

Eeek!  Look at the prettiness.  I really adore these cute designs from Nostalgia.  How perfect for my cronies!  Love the fact they would look so good together but look so different.  Delicious.


Wednesday, 9 December 2009

wedding list wednesday - let's bury the hatchet

So a change of pace from yesterday.  I will revisit your wonderfully thoughtful comments tomorrow but I fear we all need something a little lighter today!

Now when Bean first showed me these beauties I was blown away.  (I promise I am not a closet psychopath. Bean may hopefully confirm this.)

They make me want to run away from the pretty city and buy a tiny little cottage in the woods where I could chop wood all day.  Obviously, not with these beauties.  I would have to buy a regular man axe to actually use and then place one of these beauties in my eyeline to swoon over.  I would then carry the timber to my wondrous open fire, place the oh so beautiful axe atop the mantelpiece and sit with my cocoa, blanket and typewriter.  Perfection?

I adore that it's name is Fortitude.  Just what I need right now.

Tuesday, 8 December 2009

the hardest words i may ever write

"The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist"

The next words may be the hardest I have ever written. However I hope that this process will be somewhat cathartic. These will be the most honest words I have ever uttered. So...

....I suffer from depression.

Sigh, I've said finally said it. Only my closest friends, family and important people at work know. I know that to some this is not momentous or noteworthy yet for me it has almost cost me my life.

I am never proud to say that out loud or even say it to myself. I feel like a "leper". I may be somewhat blunted in extrovert tendencies but I am still able to read peoples emotions and that second of pity before they “rally round” hurts so much. I know it is normal and kind reaction yet I have no need for sympathy or empathy, merely to have depression seen as another disease. For that is what it is.  It is only now I think I am finally beginning to accept that depression is a disease.  I find it incredulous that modern medicine/society still appears to view mental illness as taboo.

I will never be a depression survivor (nor will there every be a pretty little ribbon to show ones support) because “society” does not perceive my illness as real. I must be lazy, slow witted, not a team player, not willing to work. However I know I am none of these.

Cancer is a real disease. Cancer kills and cancer is overcome. Depression kills and depression is overcome. How is this any different?

People do not say you need to have cancer to understand cancer, so why is mental illness so hard to understand. It’s true that the brain is an unknown frontier. At each stage of analysis it simply befuddles us with its evil yet magical complexity. I liken it to chemistry. When you first learn about the atom things appear to be awfully simple. You just learn a few numbers and you understand. Then you are enticed to learn just that little bit more and things become a little more complicated, you hear talk of quarks and other subatomic structures.  I can only imagine how complicated chemistry must really be as I only really studied molecular chemistry until the end of school. At each stage there is a almost a forcefield which invites only the bravest to attempt to penetrate its lofty heights of knowledge. The neuroscience is forever evolving and becoming that little bit more complicated.  Thus causing us further problems in the struggle to find answers.

There is another way in which I can describe how I often feel. Can I ask you to close your eyes, close your eyes and think what it is like to be asleep. That warm feeling whilst you dream away and consolidate your recent exploits. As you will know there are different stages of sleep (I won't dwell upon the intricacies here and will be using a little artistic scientific licence but it helps illustrate my metaphor.)

I often watch my Bean fall asleep within minutes of his head touching the pillow. I fear I have lost the ability to "go to sleep." I can lie for hours ruminating over the day's events or thinking of ways to explain things to patients. I hope to remedy this by purchasing a pretty little leather notebook into which I can distil my thoughts.  This compartmentalisation will hopefully separate my bedroom from other parts of my life.

I digress, there are stages whilst which sleep which causes us to become transiently paralysed and depression really does feel as if some other power is stopping you from interacting with the world. The world appears to continue as normal, if not at a greater speed. Yet your words, actions are perilously difficult to perform. This lack of movement and dullness of thought envelops you completely until you are but a shell of your former self.

Sleep confuses people and this is no different from my real life.  I know so very much but there is always that one moment when I may develop a niggle of doubt.  I then question my knowledge, assume I am incorrect (obviously I am not always right but I have been taught well) and my self confidence disintegrates and I fear trying for I "know" I will fail.  This confusion also pervades me through the inability to hear anything save for the negatives.  I could win a Nobel prize (oh my how amazing) or an Oscar (I would love one in my bathroom!) but I would always assume that this was just by chance or mistake.

Dreams at any time can be confusing and contradictory but for most their dreams are vibrant and colourful.  Mine are not, occasionally I will see an important item in full colour (as one sees Schindler's list) but for the most part I have oft disturbing grey scale dreams.  This coincides fittingly with how one may view life or lack thereof.  I feel my subconscious was trying to overcome this by emphasising and pushing me to associate with magenta.  Oh magenta, my intoxicatingly favourite colour a way of trying to help me break free.

Now I am receiving treatment and I am "stable" and able to continue with my life. I am now able to see a future and in part this little adventure has helped me to do so.

Depression is hideous and must be accepted as an illness. I will never be normal (whatever normal is?) and while I do relish the darker parts of my personality I must learn to stop them from overshadowing the light. I simply want to be the person I know I should be able to be. So thank you for listening and thank you for all playing just a little part in my recovery. Truly thank you.

Monday, 7 December 2009

thank you

So, I am slightly overwhelmed by your responses so I need a little more time to prepare what would have been today's post.

Tomorrow, I promise.

Thank you,
Anna xxx

Sunday, 6 December 2009

whether you think can or think you can't, you are right

Oh Mr Ford no truer word has ever been uttered.

A little foreword and warning this is slightly long!

When I started this little adventure I did not really think anyone would take the time to read about my daily quandaries and foibles.  Indeed I wanted to write for myself and let this be almost a diary of my life now to read in the future.  Remarkably, I appear to have a wonderful little following whom I cherish with all my little heart and I honestly welcome your words of wisdom each and every day.  Whilst there will be words of weddings there will be no prettiness so I understand if you do not want to read these next few words. But please know your thoughts are always appreciated.

Yet, the person I think I portray is not quite the person I am in real life.  (For the beginning of my thoughts ramblings on anonymity see here.)  I fear it is now time to reveal that little bit more about me.  Hmm, maybe it is not that I feel the need to reveal it to you but I have the need to be honest to myself.  Yes, I think this is the opportunity to be honest with myself to allow myself to move forward.  (Sometimes I do wish I could put fingers to keyboard and pour out my heart knowing no-one would reads my words but without publishing them it is almost as if they do not exist?)

So I suffer from oft crippling low self esteem.  Speaking with school friends with whom I am still close reveals I have always suffered from illusions of non-grandeur.  I have thought long and hard to discover why I became this way to no avail.  I grew up in a normal family, in a normal town and went to a normal school.  Life was not hard nor easy.  Simply normal, there are no obvious triggers except a slightly overly enthusiastic mother and father who loved to use reverse psychology.  (The next paragraph does seem a little self congratulatory I promise it does help to illustrate my point.)

Yet, I have fulfilled at least some ambitions.  I was told at school I would not even be asked to an interview at medical school. However, I was asked to all 4 interviews and gained a place at each of the four universities.  I simply did not think I would make it through the evil 6 year course yet I did and I gained distinctions, prizes (one national prize no less) and 1st for my BSc degree. Yet my head and heart tell me this was all fluke and that I am simply not good enough to be a doctor.  I now work, hard, enjoy "helping people" and I am an able diagnostician  (albeit not necessarily the most dexterous but I hope my diy crafting skills will aid this).   My seniors do remark my knowledge is above par in comparison to my colleagues and our continued assessment as juniors reinforces this fact.  Arrogance is dangerous in a doctor but occasionally indecision can be just as damaging.  However I understand one day I will make a mistake, it is inevitable if one practises for a lifetime, and I must realise that perfectionism and medicine are just not compatible.

In regards to my personal life, I find it hard to make friends, or what I consider friends (see here for my thoughts on this little subject).  I do need my alone time but yearn for true friendship (maybe that is my problem?).  I love to be there for people but I am not sure I have ever really helped anyone.  I fear this is because of my "talent" for sarcasm and the consequent assumption I am unable to sympathise with feeling.  Indeed a great fear is that no-one will want to join us at our wedding.  Even though I know I am only inviting people I see as my nearest and dearest but do they see me in the same way?  I fear not.

Obviously, I never thought I would be loved by anyone for I am ugly and without charm, indeed I still find it incredulous that Bean loves me for he is such a diamond. (Admittedly he was a bit of a diamond in the rough when we first met - but what man looks good in his first year at university - he is still a boy!)  He refers to me as his little inflatable penguin who needs a little pump every now and then (that does sound rather blue!).  It warms my heart that he truly understands me enough to know when to pry, when to leave me alone and when I need a little inflation.  To me that is true love.

I know that it is natural to feel this from time to time but this negativity pervades my thoughts, almost all day, everyday. I am perfectly accomplished in pretending such thoughts do not enter my mind to most (if not all) outsiders but that little voice inside is always niggling away.  Indeed most have no idea that I have such a defeatist attitude as I use my constant sarcasm/cynicism/cunning to misdirect them.  

However, I see others online in similar or worse positions than I and they deal with their troubles with such grace and humour.  How do you do this?  I honestly would love to hear about your struggles and triumphs (by email if a public forum is intimidating).  I think I needed to allow this to be published for all to see.  In the hope that others understand my plight and are maybe able to help me through my self inflicted darkness.

Finally, I do understand that my troubles are nothing when compared to others around the world but I know, deep deep down, I could be a highly functioning asset to my community, in every sense of the word.  In reality, I just want to help people but in order to do this I need to help myself first.

Tomorrow, I may reveal just that little bit more.  Something which I know is vitally important to allow my to move on.  I hope to hear from you before then as I am slightly, nay exceptionally, nervous about my next post.  Indeed I may only publish the words for a few days.  Intrigued, you are?

Thank you for your time and making me feel comfortable enough to speak freely about such intimate thoughts.  I really appreciate your time, words and honesty.

Saturday, 5 December 2009

oh new york, we are disappointed

"Marriage equality is as important as the emancipation of any group from oppression and the granting of equal rights to any community" David Paterson - New York Governor
Oh the news that New York State had rejected the gay marriage rights bill breaks my heart.  If you are a golden oldie you may recall I spoke about Vermont here, and I was so excited that things were beginning to change.  It even spurred me to display the white ribbon proudly on my little blog.

Alas, New York has not seen fit to give all its inhabitants the same civil rights as each other.  Now as a foreigner I obviously do not understand the delicate nuances of American politics.  I also do realise that New York does not represent New York state but I had hoped that those voting, in what is supposed to be a   liberal (not capital L) state, would see the importance of their vote.  It really is time to change and it really does anger me to know that people are still denied the opportunity to declare their love.  To me it is just a pointless intrusion in people's lives.  It hurts no-one.

I only hope that the New Jersey votes sooner rather than later to ensure Governor Jon Corzine is still in office.  Come on, you wonderful Garden State, show New York how it's done.

Friday, 4 December 2009

fantabulous folksy friday

I though it was about time I mentioned some of the treats that can be found on this side of the pond!

So introducing Tied & Feathered!  When I saw this veil (after the usual (oft fruitless) hours of trawling through etsy and Folksy) I swooned!

Seriously, look at it's chic simplicity!  It's just beautiful, so sweet and delicate.  What a fabulous alternative to the classical birdcage veil.

What do you think?

Wednesday, 2 December 2009

wedding list wednesday - something for the mothers?!

Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat....and all that jazz.

So the time is upon us (well quite honestly I fear it was thrust upon us sometime ago but that's a whole other story!) to bring in the festive cheer to one and all.  Obviously this includes mummies!

Admittedly this is a slightly biased post for I received a delicious bag of loveliness from Dorma (via Peacock Feather and Diamond Rings).

Yet mummies need little treats too!  Now I realise that pot pourri really is not the type of thing most of us would want to see in our stylish homes but I have to say I am rather enamoured by these balls of fabulousness!  Perfect for fabulous mothers and their daughters!  Don't you agree?!


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