Friday, 21 August 2009

a new quandary continued

Oh ladies. I'm so overwhelmed by all your kind words. Thank you.

The thing is your comments would be super helpful if my father was a normie. A little more family background I guess.

I love him but he is a strange man. I certainly won't take away from the fact that he has given some of my best qualities. I am stubborn, funny and have a zest for knowledge because of him. He is an introvert like me and maybe that makes things more difficult. My family is quite the Victorian family. The total opposite to the Bean Clan (one of the reasons I love him so). We don't talk about feelings, children are seen but not heard and whilst we laugh and joke with each other, Mother certainly knows best.

So you see it is quite difficult. Hmm quite difficult Anna? Well maybe I should just suck it up and talk to him. I think I'll wait until they get from their holiday in a couple of weeks. Hopefully the mother will have chance to talk about things and maybe uncover the real reason for his feelings. Although she is not one for subtlety!

Obviously I want him there, mother and I did not get along well as a teenager, and he was always the arbiter between us. (Oh mother nature in your infinite wisdom was it really the best idea to have mothers reach menopause as their daughters are full of hormones?!) Yet I wouldn't force him to come against his will. His stubborn streak and a propensity to booze can lead to awful outbursts (cringe worthy but rather amusing at the same time) not great for a speech giver!

The little voice in the back of my head has a cruel idea. My father thinks a wedding is a ridiculous extravagance. To some extent I do agree but I fear he doesn't understand the type of wedding I (sorry we!) want. However I think him smoking is a ridiculous extravagance. He thinks he is a secret smoker! So I am sorely tempted to talk to him and say "if you give up smoking I would be willing to give up the hoopla."* Obviously by the word hoopla he thinks the typical traditional white wedding so I don't think I would necessarily have to give up all my ideas? Devious, no!? It's almost as if I were a machine!

Maybe not. I can speak to anyone about anything. That's part of my job yet I can't speak to my parents. Does anyone have any tips to get through to a thoroughly unmodern stubborn mickey? I DO NOT WANT A HOOPLA, I WANT A HAPPY FUN FILLED WEDDING! Grr men!

*Even as a doctor I do not try and stop people smoking for if they are old enough to smoke they are old enough to weigh up the pros and cons.

6 comments:

  1. girl, i can relate. though my dad has been going through some difficult times (third divorce) and has been pretty positive lately. i thought it was going to be rough having his daughter plan her wedding while all of that was going on.

    my dad is also stubborn and goofy like me. i think at first he was just hating the fact that im getting married. it wasnt really a celebration for him but he knows how important this relationship is to me and wants me to be happy.

    maybe it's time you have a talk...i know how awkward talks are when you grew up quiet as a mouse around dad..but this is a special time in your life.

    he'll come around.

    glad your back!xx

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  2. oh, anna! this sitchie breaks my heart into a thousand pieces. i think you should definitely talk to him... and be 100% honest with him. i know this can be a very difficult thing to do, but keep in mind that even if he does not show it, it will give him a chance to see how his thoughts/actions are affecting you. if you don't talk to him, you're just going to end up being more frustrated and hurt. i don't know what he will say or do, but i do know that YOU will feel so much better knowing that you did your part to remedy the situation.
    big hugs from california,
    celia

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  3. (dammit, I wrote this whole thing then the com deleted it)
    its strage because the family you describe seems like a very traditional one where the father wouldn't even think that he could not be present at his little girls big day. But thenn there is the introverted side of him...
    I still say talk to him. Be as honest and as open as you feel you can with him, you know him, after all. Like Celia says, you can't predict his reaction, but you need to know that you did your part. He doesnt have to do a speech, perhaps, but he needs to know he's upset you.
    I went to a wedding recently where the groom made no speech. do what works for you both. (and Bean...)
    also, totally never had you pinned as a doctor! are you really or do I read it wrong?
    and love the picture. pampers on heads are SOOO NOW.

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  4. Thank you my lovelies.

    @Rebecca - indeed I am a junior Dr! Please don't be too scared!?

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  5. Oh hon, I get this. We are not a "talking about your feelings" family either and that sort of advice would not be so useful to us. I just really, really think that it is easy for your dad to say "I won't come" as it is a hypothetical response, it's not real yet, but when push came to shove, he will be there. My grandfather, the stubbornest man ever, DISOWNED my sister for ten years (he was a hard man) and he still showed up to her wedding.

    What I think you need to deal with is how shitty and hurtful it is when he says stuff like that (and that's what might be worth saying, "dad, it really hurts me when you say that" as opposed to engaging in the will he or won't he conversation), and negotiating your own feeling when it happens. My mom threatened not to come about a half dozen times during my planning and I remember how awful it felt. Focus on feeling better. Not on convincing him. Because he will be there.

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  6. I'm sorry to hear about your dad not wanting to attend your wedding because he thinks it's going to be this 'huge extravagance'. I'd say to try talk to him and tell him about your wedding plans. Hopefully once he gets the picture, things will get better. Good luck!

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So, I really love all the sweet and/or informative comments that you lovelies leave. Yet if you feel the need to be unnecessarily rude or offensive I will delete your comment and not feel bad about it. So just be constructive alright! Hugs to all you wondrous others.

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